Thursday, February 24, 2011

My heart...forever stained?

A taste of Fiction...


I know what it feels to have another man's fingerprints on your heart. My name is You and this is your story.


MY PAST...

I had begged him to stay. I cried till I thought I would die. I woke up with tears in my eyes and when sleep came by, mercifully lulling me of to a place of silence, I would wake up the next morning, on my knees with dry salt from my tears mapping out on my face the grief I felt in my heart.


The day he left, he took with him my dignity, my pride and my joy. In his wake,I was left ashamed, hurt and angry that I could allow a man to put in this place. It was a man who made me wish death upon myself, it was a man whom I had raised so highly in my life that the thought of not waking up to him in my life made me scared of life itself. It was a man...


The end ?





MY PRESENT...

5 yrs later


I am hesitant in writing this, afraid anyone reading this will get the wrong impression, think that I don't realize that Hubby is one of the greatest things that ever happened to me... think that I am not appreciative and grateful for this second chance God has given me to love and be loved. Don't get me wrong, I am!!

But...

I wonder how long I can keep this up, keep struggling to no avail, keep up the facade while trying to scrub clean the telltale marks another man has left behind on my heart.


I know my husband wonders why I never cry. Growing up, he always knew girls to be "cry babies" always whining about something and it was only a matter of time before the water works started. Then as he got older...mature...saved... he realized, appreciated and respected the beauty of a woman and just accepted our emotions as another gift from God.

I remember him being proud of me early off in our relationship at how strong I was. We would sit through many a "chick flick" and while most girls would be sighing and dabbing their eyes dry, I would sit there, eyes dry as a stone and irritated at the weakness these girls were showing. Hubby would hi-five me and say "That's my girl...Solid as a rock!!!!"

It became a "positive" asset. I was strong; but when it came to arguments with hubby, this same positive asset became my undoing...our undoing. Those were the times, he, my past, crept in.

I hated conflict and tried to stay away from arguments with hubby; but like in every marriage, there were always bound to be some. With every fight we had; big or small, I would use it as a chance to prove, not to my husband , not even to myself but to him that I would NEVER be that girl again. I had to show him I was strong. Even though I hadn't seen him in years, with every emotional blow, I was sending him a subliminal message that I wasn't that old person, that little girl who had her heart so easily broken! I was STRONG!


No one would ever do THAT to me again

I would always go for the jugular because in my head it was a race to hurt him before he hurt me. Shed his blood as he had shed mine.. You see, in those times of anger, he and hubby were one. In those moments, I couldn't differentiate between my past and present. It was all a blur, a dark hazy fog that would leave me petrified and striking out at anything moved. Unfortunately, it was always hubby.

In the wake of my anger; few things were always certain.

1-I would still be standing "strong", emotionally intact, the amazonian that I am, unbreakable, eyes dry as a stone, heart still as strong as steel... intact.

2-Emotionally Hubby would be on his knees, hurt, in shock, trying to figure understand how the same mouth that had vowed to love him and be his best friend till death do us part was the same mouth that had said the vilest, most painful and degrading things to him.

Playing with light



Oh yeah, I would apologize, beg, tell Hubby how sorry I was and swear it would never happen again but just as sure as the sun rose; we would wind up in the same position.

Do you see his fingerprints...all over my heart... he makes me forget my husband as the wonderful man that he is. The man who worshiped the ground I walked on, the man who would give up his life just to make mine easier. the man who would cross the enemies camp to bring me water from my favorite well...my husband...


I hate him so much, I unconsciously take it out on my husband...



Today, hubby and I are are happy, well sort of, because the tension is there... you can feel it in the air. Both us walking on egg shells wondering how long this fragile world of peace would last...how long before Hubby would have to pay for the sins of another man...how long before hubby would have to deal with another man's fingerprints on his wife's heart.




MY FUTURE

???





...musings from atop the potters wheel...

10 comments:

rethots said...

"Both us walking on egg shells wondering..." as long as the journey is an onward (forward) journey, consciously choose to allow your mind wonder on the beautiful things ahead (& waiting to be conquered) as you guys walk side-by-side together.

H said...

#beautifulpiece
with so much insight and truth. Well conveyed.

doll said...

interesting

In the midst of her said...

Thanks Ladies....Just exercising my writing muscle ;)

Lil Miss Thang said...

hmmm, the future ~ the other mans fingerprints will fade off your heart. You'll fight fair with hubby, maybe even let down your "i am strong" guard & the past will no longer affect your present/future

Lil Miss Thang said...

in short - your heart...NOT forever stained. I reckon just a habit formed due to old memories BUT you know that habit can be replaced, easily ;-)don't be mad at yourself because of it. Just look ahead and do your best daily. Hubby loves ya!!!

In the midst of her said...

LMT....Uh Oh...Should I have given a disclaimer that this is fiction...lol

Lil Miss Thang said...

lol, nicely written

Anonymous said...

Fictional?? This has been my experience- only I was the husband. My wife was abused as a child. The people in her life who should have loved her and protected her, abused her. She was also sexually molested by her uncle.

My wife became a christian. She struggled for quite some time trying to work thru a "loving" heavenly Father. It's a long story. My family doctor told me that "divorce" was an option. I rejected that advice, and wanted to be that person who would love her. It has been tough. Her anger outbursts would be directed to me, the one who truly loved her. I really have no words to describe the hell that I personally went through.

Next month, we will be married 41 years. The "anger" has calmed and I am glad God gave me the grace to work through this very difficult situation.

I hate child abuse. And I don't understand why so many "judges" who plea bargain child molestor's and allow them out on the streets in such short sentences. The Megan law should be followed in every state and all child molestor's should serve a 25 year mandatory sentence.

Fictional? This happens every day of the week.

Jaycee said...

So heart-wrenching. Reading anonymous' comment made it more real.