Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Dear Inthe...

You don't know me, but I have been reading your blog for a while now. I need some relationship advice and I see that you are a well grounded Godly married woman. My boyfriend and I have been having some series of issues lately. I love him and I know he loves me as well, but we just can't seem to understand each other. He doesn't speak my love language.
For example, I like being called wifey, and he doesn't think it's appropriate to
use that term unless we are at that stage. Meanwhile we plan on getting
married. He says he's serious about marrying me but cannot really commit to
a timeline. We've been together for over 2 years now. Should I continue in
this relationship or should I let go and let God?
HGF


Dear HGF,
There are a couple of things I want to thank you for. First for being a faithful reader of ITMOH, secondly for the compliments ( It's all God!)and most importantly than the rest, for the trust and giving me the privilege to come into your life and give advice. I know you want the truth, so I will not patronize you but giving you anything less. As you know that this is a Christian blog, you already can assume that my answers will be from a Christian standpoint; I will also assume that you are a Christian because I believe a relationship without God in between is pointless.I am going to speak the truth because you deserve it and treat this issue like you are my very own sister. Thank you again!

My boyfriend and I have been having some series of issues lately. I love him and I know he loves me as well, but we just can't seem to understand each other. He doesn't speak my love language.

Day 28/365

My dear couple will ALWAYS! have disagreement...christian or not, married or not; the real issue is what are you disagreeing about? A lot of fights between couples come from a seed of deeper issues. Why are you having these fights recently? Did something change? If you can trace back the genesis of your fights to a certain time/event/fight, you might want to dig deeper and see if there are unresolved issues or someone still holding a grudge or hurt feelings from it. You might also want to have a sit down conversation with your boyfriend.

I love him and I know he loves me as well, but we just can't seem to understand each other. He doesn't speak my love language.


talk to me my love

My dear,you guys are in love but don't understand each other? That's very possible but depending on what you call love. God is love so a couple has to first and foremost know him to experience true Love. With that aside, have you ever spoken to him about your desires? Has he given you a reason why he can't fulfill them? Are your/his reasons logical? Maybe he never spoke it in the first place and you are just realizing it? or is this new?. Guys are the most predictable beings on earth and their body language tells us a lot, even though we women sometimes are in denial and refuse to see it. If this is new, confront ( this does not mean yelling, crying and throwing plates, it means being blunt) him about it, maybe he doesn't even realize he has changed!



For example, I like being called wifey, and he doesn't think it's appropriate to use that term unless we are at that stage.

bride's bouquet

Why do you like being called wifey? Is it because you are already acting like his "wifey"? Are you living with him? Are you having sex with him? Are you already basing your life decisions on him? HGF, only one person can truly carry that title and that's a woman who has been married before God and family. Anything less is just playing charades. You might truly love him but as of right now, you are just his girlfriend. I want you to step back and make a list of what you are giving to this relationship emotionally, physically, and mentally; there are some that belong strictly to a wife and there are some only a girlfriend can give...I want you to separate it and act according to your role. It might mean moving out, stop having sex, going after that degree you've always wanted, closing that joint account or getting your own car. By telling you that he doesn't want to call you "wifey", he is telling you to act your role, nothing more. I sense you are giving a lot into this relationship and that's why you want to be called his wife but it seems your boyfriend feels otherwise.


He says he's serious about marrying me but cannot really commit to a timeline. We've been together for over 2 years now.

Save the Dates / detail

One thing the Hubster has told me is that "A man who know what he wants will go hard till it's his". Now you both love each other but can't set a timeline for your relationship. Different reasons come to mind..."Is he financially ready?" Most men are bred with the breadwinner mentality, he might feel like marrying you know would be robbing you of the comforts and necessities you deserve. "Is he mentally/emotionally prepare to be a husband?" A lot of bachelors see marriage as the end of their youth, freedom and the beginning of an eternal "lock down". A guy who thinks this way is no where near ready because he will always feel there might have been something better on the outside and consciously/unconsciously will never be satisfied with what he has at home. On the other hand, there are guys with the baggage of a bad previous breakup or the divorce of parents. Do you know his background, is he hurting or scared? All this needs to be addressed if you ever expect him to move forward with you.Or could it be family issues? Do your parents know each other and are in agreement with a future union? Or does he see marriage pointless because he already has someone who plays the role in his life? You need to have a DTR (Define the relationship) talk and you can start by taking this quiz yourself. Remember, a relationship is a season with a goal in sight, it should never be stagnant.

Should I continue in this relationship or should I let go and let God?

Day 256/365 ~ We Should Give Meaning to Life, Not Wait for Life to Give Us Meaning

My dear, If I had answers to all these questions above or knew you personally maybe I might be able to guide you in answering this question but ultimately this is an answer you need to find within yourself and you will only find it on your knees. Ask yourself " Who am I? what am I doing? what is my Goal in this relationship? Is it realistic? What does God say about this? Is this relationship in line with his word? Is this relationship drawing me closer to God? I have invested 2 years into this, am I better (in all aspects of my life), stronger and closer to God than I was before I met him?" These answers might come through pain and tears but they have to be asked. You are a beautiful(God made you, MUST be beautiful) woman who I know God has big plans for. You deserve his very best! Seek him and trust him. I pray you peace my dear...


If you need to talk again...I am ALWAYS here for you!
Inthe...


To everyone reading this, feel free to comment with either advice or words of encouragement for HPG

5 comments:

Unveilinggold said...

Very true..Only you can say if this is what you want. Talk about the timeline and how you feel about it.Communication is very important..Are you willing to wait till he can set a timeline? like Inth.. mentioned, are you already playing the wifey role? If you are then it clouds yours and his judgment to see the real you/him..

Always listen to your spirit based on God's guidiance because it will never lead you astray..All the best and remember you can have a list of what you want but it must be approved by God..

Abi Tobi said...

I agree with most of your points.... you might want/know you will spend the rest of your life with someone... but might not be ready to take that step...

am also a strong believer that a boyfriend ca not have all the benefits a husband will get .. soo the wifey name can be postponed to the future.. :)

Jaycee said...

Great answers, InTheMidstofHer. Loved your responses.

Sometimes in a relationship, time is needed for each person to define their goals. I know you already know what you want from this relationship, but rather than forcing it on him, give him the space to also define what he wants. It might mean not visiting him for a long while (as frequently as you used to), or just not telling him what you want all the time.

Take some time out to PRAY. A quiet time with God will always bring about a powerful impact on whatever you're praying for.

Most of all though, have you asked God first if this is His best for you? Many times, we women jump into relationships without asking God because we judge by the outer appearance of a guy, but maybe there's someone out there who's God's best for you...but you won't know this unless you pray. And God will answer either by opening up many reasons to break up with him or opening up many reasons to stick it through with him.

Jemima said...

Your Answers were spot on in the misdtofher...i just want to emphasis what Jaycee said, in a relationship, people need to discover each other before coming together,a man needs to discover who is and a woman too, because the relationship will be parasitic and not symbiotic if this is not done..i think she is moving to fast, she should slow down marriage itself is a process, it starts from courtship, the foundation should be well laid in courtship otherwise there will have serious issues later on..marriage is not a cure all, as you make your bed...enough said

Abi Tobi said...

Also, many young people (ladies) seem to want to rush into marriage...maybe because of our families or friends...

I think it is best to take your time before diving into it... it SHOULD be a forever thing.. no break-ups...

I want to believe your man loves you, but doesn't think you or him or both of you are ready. Maybe you should communicate. Let him tell you why he needs to buy time. and you should try to understand him too.. try not too get angry or upset.

If he is a believer, when the time is right and he is ready.... both of you should pray about it

All the best