Monday, February 20, 2012

Tap and Back (PART 1)

So, you've read my blog for a while and my life seems like a romance novel come true. So all is definitely lovely in Love land huh? Hehe.. I wish!

I always tell my girls, if you ever find someone who tell you that their marriage is flawless, you better run. I will be the first to tell you that marriage is hard work and I am going to give you a glimpse into my experience in the other side

When the hubster met me due to past experiences and different beliefs, I was a very opinionated,abrasive feminist strong minded female and when it came to debates/arguments or fight, it wasn't always pretty. It didn't start in one day, as a younger girl, I was that girl who loved debates, and my mouth literally watered when I got a chance to prove someone wrong.

mouth watering

Well fast forward through some years filled with growth, trials and marriage and I have learnt that the " going for the jugular" technique isn't the way to go. Now while I hope my blog has given you the impression that I am madly in love with the hubster; I hope it hasn't given you the impression that we never fight. So how does someone in love fight with the husband she loves? I call my technique " Tap and then back"

Prov 15 vs 1: A gentle answer turns away wrath, But a harsh word stirs up anger.(NASB).

A little background: With arguments, as I mentioned before, I have always been a "go for the jugular" kinda girl. You know the one who doesn't stop till one person is barely alive? ( verbally of course, never physical..lol). Well, not long after I got married, I realize that"Going for the jugular" wasn't going to work with the hubster because instead of "getting into it" with me, he would for the sake of peace withdraw. That came with a huge price because depending how crazy I had gotten, it took him some time to get over my actions.

angry_woman

So I came up with plan B. I decided that I would rather take any wrong doings in silence and just swallow them, than let them make me get into an argument. Shebi, people who love each other shouldn't fight? I felt it would be easier to just go into a quiet room and scream my heart out than to fight with my husband; especially knowing I had issues with my mouth. Guess what? That didn't work either. Why? Well, I had gone from getting every inch of my frustrations out, no matter the cost ( It was my right to be angry abi?...wrong) to completely bottling them in (I will never fight with the hubster again...still wrong).


keep it bottled up

The problem with bottling everything in was that it was leading to resentment. I would wake up in the AM with some heavy feeling within my heart and anger towards the hubster without really knowing why. After deep thought, I would trace it back to unresolved issues that had taken place 1 week ago!! My heart wanted to let it go but my flesh couldn't! They weren't in union. Want to know the worse part? The hubster, who had no idea I was mad at him ( shebi I was keeping it all in right?) would be walking around the house singing and that only got me more pissed. Here I was boiling inside and tired of the burden of keeping it all in in order to keep the peace and here he was all care free.... IT WASN'T WORKING!!

Then through grace I developed a technique called "Tap and Back"... and this has made fighting such a peace of cake.


TO BE CONTINUED...


Musings from atop the potter's wheel...

13 comments:

Ms. Yellow Sisi Unspoken said...

I want more.....lol. Certainly holding anger in is definitely not the way to go, I too sometime still do the same and find myself angry with someone for no reasons days later. I'm really looking forward to this 'tap and back' method lol

Jennifer Abayowa said...

Tap and back...oooooh, I wanna know what that is. There's no marriage without fights, and I've come to the realization that it's the one you love that you'll want to understand you the most, so it'll make sense that there will be arguments on the way to achieving that. What matters is the "how." How do we communicate our feelings? Not with harsh words, obviously.

Unveilinggold said...

Thanks for sharing..I am patiently waiting for the "tap and back" method cos I probably need it.

Myne Whitman said...

Looking forward to this technique, sounds like fun :)

SAMUEL EKUNDAYO said...

Thanks for confirming again that marriage is hard work, ma. A grown up friend recently called it "a roller coaster ride - up today, down tomorrow". I don't know if I agree with her but I learned from what you just shared. Grace is needed when it comes to handling quarrels and misunderstandings in relationship. I look forward to learning from you ma.

Blessings.

- LDP

Faith Dames said...

A difficult truth but reality nonetheless. I look forward to reading about your technique.

Anonymous said...

Wow! You are always so on point! Simply love this your blog. The 2 scenarios just about summed up the ways I've also been acting towards disagreements and I am soooo looking forward to the part 2...

In the midst of her said...

Sisi mi: LOl.. you flatter me. Dont worry, I wont keep you waiting.

Co-wife (JC): You are so right!! how to communicate is the koko of the matter.

UV: We all need it girl! LOL

Myne: Thanks!!

Sir,me,sir(LDP)... hard work plus a full time jobe mehn!!! Ps, the Hubster says you're one step away from calling me mommy with all these "Ma's" of urs..lol

faith dames: Thank you....stay tuned!

Anonymous#1: Thank you soo much! I pray God keeps on using me!

Destiny - Yankeenaijachick + Success said...

I feel like everyone married can relate to this post in some way.lol Marriage is not easy, it takes work.lol

Okeoghene said...

We work at everything, why would anyone think that marriage is just a breeze and not work? Patiently waiting for part 2

Jemima said...

waiting for the part two, i sure can relate .on another note please would appreciate if you removed the word verification thing on the comment section, it takes me ages to post cos i have difficulty deciphering the two words. Since you moderate your comment you wont get spam, i use neither and i don't get spam

Lil Miss Thang said...

Time for PART 2... I'm currently doing the hold it in and finding a good way to bring up the subject. We're not married but he doesn't know why i'm upset with him... I don't want it to come out ugly but i also can't just let it go

dosh said...

Fighting has become a piece of cake? lol, please come back and tell us about the technique :)