Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Tap and Back (PART 2)

One thing my grandmother (God rest her soul) did to get our attention and get her point across was to deliver a massive "Abara" (Slap to the back). Not 2, that would be too much of an exertion on her part; not a small one, because it wouldn't really sink into your head; just 1 massive abara. Full stop. So what does that have to do with my post... well, my "Tap and back" technique was coined from this. LOL...No i don't go around giving the hubster "abaras", I'm not crazy naw... let me explain. My grand mother's technique worked because she was getting her point across with all its ummmh... painfulness and leaving it at that. You understood why you got it and you all moved on. One sec, she was cracking your back with an abara, the next sec, she was in the kitchen making you cookies. That's how she rolled.

Tap and Back ( should I trademark this thing...lol) is this; in a midst of a fight you...


"Come now, let us reason together," (Isaiah 1 vs 18 NIV)

When the hubby and I disagree and I feel wronged, my first goal is to get his attention. In the last post I told you I initially did that by screaming like a mad woman and then eventually stopped talking all together; both got me no where. So now, I try to get his attention in a reasonable manner. It doesn't necessarily have to be the same sec, hour or even day that the fight occurred. Sometimes, I wait till the next morning in order to gather my thoughts and make them constructive. So thats the WHY of Tapping;the how of tapping is equally important bcause word's can be so toxic and castrating when it comes to men.


You get his attention, you signal, you give him something he can feel, hear, focus on, understand, something that transmit your feelings to him. For example, if I just told the hubster, " Ahh, you wronged me oooh" with a half smile on my face, or I do it casually while in the midst of another conversation; most likely, it will be brushed aside. Not because I am irrelevant, but because I presented it in an irrelevant fashion. My words only have as much worth as I attach to it; so I need the hubster to know I am serious. Also I need the hubster to emphatize with me; basically he needs to feel the same pain he has made me feel. This is not a time to mince words, cushion him, try to protect him from the magnitude of his errors but to be honest so he can feel what I've just felt ( Disclaimer: this is why it important to do this with the clarity of a clear mind and not while emotional or blind with rage). I make him feel what I felt with words; for example, "When you yelled at me, you made me feel stupid, immature and inept" or "When you break a promise to me, you're telling me you aren't trustworthy and it's eventually going to make me unable to take you at your word".

A couple discussing matters

Here I am explaining the consequences of the act on me but on him as well so he can see it's not only me that is affected. As I mentioned, it's super important to do this honestly because if I did this with exaggeration (Because you broke you promise, I know now you are worthless, and are half a man and are cheating and I hate you and you are going to burn in hell and...) the hubster would see right through this as an attack and not as me trying to constructively handle an argument.The truth of the issue , so to speak, would be lost beneath the lies. If I handle this honestly, the hubster would be able to see my point because it was delivered with love and above all,because he loves me.


Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you,leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to them; then come and offer your gift. (Matt 5 vs 23-24 NIV)

So I've "tapped"(not stabbed him with ugly words) him to get his attention, I've honestly portrayed my feelings based on his actions and I've gotten him to understand how I feel. The easy part is over; yeah you heard right...thats the easy part, at least for me. Now it's time to go "Back" and what this means is going back to a time before the fight.

if i could turn back time

You need to go back because you're motive was to correct the issue not retaliation, malice or anger. By going back,you start the process of forgiving. Honestly, when I go "back", its not because I am any the less angry, fustrated or hurt; but because I need to start the process of healing and I am not going to wait for anyone else ( including the hubster) to initiate this for me. it actually looks crazy because 1 sec, I'm being painfully frank with the hubster and the next, I'm cooking for him or getting "frisky" with him. Is it half hearted at times? Yes,but as a Christian, I have decided that my love is not a feeling based on whats around me but an action and decision that I consciously make.

...Musings from atop the potter's wheel..


Nenyenwa said...

I love this post- very insightful and true. kudos for sharing

Unveilinggold said...



While I enjoyed every bit of this post, I have a question: What happens while you're waiting to be constructive with your "tapping"? Should the wait be in hours or days and he is still around you, not knowing he's wronged you, are you going to withdraw or what?

Thank you for this post. I loved it when you said, "as a Christian, I have decided that my love is not a feeling based on whats around me but an action and decision that I consciously make."

God bless you ma.


Myne Whitman said...

You said, "word's can be so toxic and castrating when it comes to men"

Why the qualifier? Don't you think toxic words hurt women too?

Lovely post, sha. May we all have the heart of learning, always.

Anonymous said...


Jemima said...

i kinda do the same thing with hubby, just didnt know what it was called lol!

In the midst of her said...

Nenyenwa: thanks so much!

UV: lol.. I like that!

Sir mi : as for me, it all depends. The hubster knows when I'm in a bad mood and we actually say "I'm in a bad mood and I'll talk to you later about it". The goal is not to lose the Jesus in you while in a mood cuz the bible says be angry, but Sin not!

Myne:Lol!!!I guess I should have added a comma cuz the castrating part was meant solely for men.

Anon: thank you!!!

Okeoghene said...

I loved reading this. It is very important to be calm and constructive when trying to settle conflicts. You rightly said it, Love isnt just a feeling, it is a conscious decision.


Thanks for clarifying that... I appreciate you ma.


Abi Tobi said...

interesting.... I love ur late gramma's technique

Eziaha said...

Wow... You are so wise and smart. Are you a human being? or an angel sent from God to make us feel bad lol