(I am taking a break in my “ While you wait series” to answer a question sent in by one of my readers. I felt it appropriate to slip it in because it has a lot to do with the “waiting” season. Since it was from a male reader, I
begged, chased, argued, recruited the hubster to answer the Q. Hope the message comes through )
How do you handle sexual attraction while courting? My fiancé ( we will be getting married in a few months) will be coming to visit me soon and we will be alone for a few weeks.
When my wife told me about your questions, I smiled and understood exactly what you meant. This is a struggle every believer who wants to please the Lord will have to face. To be honest with you, there is no 7 step to avoiding sex before marriage; there is only one - simply put, flee!
Your will power is not sufficient; it will fail you: what do I mean? The bible says flee every appearance of evil... This is the only thing that works. No matter how spiritual a brother is or thinks he is, if this truth is not adhered to, this brother would be taking a journey to a destination that would be greatly regretted. A friend once told me a story of what happened to his brother during NYSC (national youth service corp); let's call my friends brother Femi. Femi was engaged to be married to a lady that was not at the same location where he was serving. So, Femi found himself in a situation where a lady undressed and made an advance at him. Femi started praying, and if I remember correctly, he was speaking in tongues. To cut the story short, he ended up having sex with the lady with his praying self. Now, that happened with someone he had no affection for; Instead of praying, he should have ran... flee every appearance!
In your case, that would mean not sleeping in the same bed, nor involving yourselves in any activity that can lead to sex. Now, I am not implying that it is easy, but like many challenges you are going to face in marriage, it is going to take praying and obeying the scriptures to stay grounded.
“It’s just kissing”, some say. Kissing is a gateway to every other sexual act, so staying away from kissing definitely helps. My wife and I did not kiss until our wedding day, and I believe that was very helpful in not having sex before marriage. I know everyone does it, but it does not make it right. The Word of God is our standard; majority does not carry the vote.
But we are about to get married! Well, that is still the same as not being married. Until you are married, any sexual activity with her is sin. The bible tells us to flee sexual immorality (1 cor 6:18); this is not referring only to fornication; it is referring to every form of sexual activity outside the covenant of marriage. Ephesians 5:3 explains that it should not be named among Christians.
Now that she is coming for a few weeks, what should you do? I am not sure you will like my answer, but honestly you need to find a male friend you can stay with or a female friend she can stay with, especially overnight. The reason is to avoid spending endless time together alone in your apartment/house. With only two of you in an apartment/house for weeks, sexual immorality is inevitable. This is a time to get to know each other better and ask the right questions; sexual activity at this stage blurs and blinds people. The truth be said, a lot of failed marriages are because people were sexually involved before marriage, which leads to blurring of spiritual sensors that are needed in discerning God’s given partner. Even in cases when one is sure that this is God’s choice, that is just the beginning of things one needs to know about that crude jewel that is still going through the refining fire of God.
I know it is not easy at all, but I believe in the grace of God – it is sufficient for you. Amen.