Monday, December 10, 2012

Dear Inthe…Making the right Choice.

Postcard - Sexy Woman writing a letter
How can you overcome the fear of commitment. I have been dating a wonderful man for a few years and the fear of even getting a proposal scares me.I broke off the relationship twice and got back again. I am afraid he may not be the one because I’ve received prophecies about him. Some of the people of God I had met - people I have know for years say if I go ahead I will never be all that God wants me to be while the other’s advise me to go ahead with the relationship in faith. What should I do? I don’t want to make a mistake.
Soft Stepper

Hey SS!

Thank you so much for allowing me into your life. I have prayed about your question and I pray that the words I speak be God’s and not mine.

How can you overcome the fear of commitment?

The fear of commitment… *Hugs*!! I completely understand how you feel because I struggled with this same fear for a long time! Reading your letter reminded me of myself; my past and my struggles when it came to accepting my then friend’s (now husband) proposal to start a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship with the goal of marriage. Due to issues in my past, I had allowed fear into my heart. I was petrified of making the biggest mistake of my life! I remember struggling to a point of freaking out with questions as to whether my husband was “ the one”. It was hard but I overcame my struggles by first pinpointing the source of my fear (my past and it’s baggage) and then turning it over to God. 
SS, you cannot overcome your commitment phobia on your own, that’s the first thing you need to understand. You need to first verbalize what it is and then take it to God.

I have been dating a wonderful man for a few years and the fear of even getting a proposal scares me...

Fear of Commitment.

If he is wonderful, what exactly about him scares you? I understand you are afraid he might not be the one but what exactly about him portrays the fact that he may not be the one? Do you not feel strongly enough for him to spend your life with him? Does he exhibit questionable characteristics (I.e issues with money, alcohol, fidelity, baggage etc)? There must be something you are seeing or sensing that makes him possibly not the one even though you have been with him for three years.

I broke off the relationship twice and got back again

Why did you break it off? More importantly why do you keep coming back to him? On a side note, in the struggles with our feelings we at times fall into the trap of not considering our partner’s feelings. Have you been emotionally fair to him? How has leaving and coming back multiple times affected his heart? This does not mean leave or even stay; it means you need to make up your mind and give him stability. If you don’t end up together, you don’t want him scarred for his next relationship he gets into.

I am afraid he may not be the one because of all the dreams and prophecies i have received. 


Now we get to the heart of the matter. SS, of all the things I have said previously, this part may be the most important part. On the topic of this one relationship, you’ve heard from men, women, prophets, evangelists and pastors who claim to have heard from God and are telling you DIFFERENT THINGS! …but.…what have YOU heard. SS, what have you heard in your own spirit?  

1 COR 14 vs 33: For God is not the author of confusion, but of peace

You didnt mention getting any direction from God about this relationship. My dear, God is ALWAYS speaking, the question is are we listening?  My Husband always tells me that God will not tell another person about his life without telling him as well.  Since we know God is always speaking, if you are not hearing anything, you need to dig deeper; first of all, see if there is anything in your life preventing you from hearing him clearly. Once you have assurance that there isn’t anything like sin preventing you hearing; ask God if your partner is the one for you. To do this you might need some space from him so your emotions don’t get into the way.

1Jhn 4 vs 18: There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear

Listen to your heart

  Now, understand that to hear God you don’t have to expect smoke and fanfare and going into a trance. God speaks through anything. When I was struggling with making my own decision about my husband’s proposal to me, I went into the bible to hear God’s voice. I didn’t trust my flesh (I wasn’t sure he was the one) or what people where telling me (everyone swore he was the one)…I needed to hear from God myself. I wrote about this in my blog. If you look up my “ My Criteria…Measure of a Man” series, you will see how God spoke to me using1 Tim 3; feel free to read it. I spent a long time searching God’s word to figure out what he defined as “a man” and when I found all those qualities in my boyfriend and the fact that I loved him; I felt at peace and knew I could move ahead.

I really do not want to make a mistake.

…and with God’s direction, you wont. Seek him, trust him and more importantly obey!

Jer 29 vs 13: You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.

I pray these words help you. I am always here if you have further questions or just need someone to talk to

God Bless


Guys as always, please leave your biblical 2 cents!


Myne Whitman said...

I love how you broke it down. Will surely be very helpful even to others.

Abi Tobi said...

o wow!

Unveilinggold said...

Beautifully writer..
Using the bible helps alot especially 1 Tim 3 as you said, as well as the 10 commandments... Here is a quote from my blog about this when I was going through the same.

"Since everything started, I couldn't help but compare him to the ex. Like its so sad that I analyse every little thing. Just scared to let go and get hurt again. So, someone said instead of comparing him to my past while dont I compare him to what the bible have to say i.e. the 10 commandments. So like does he have another lady besides me? Does he take me for granted? Does he intend to keep our relationship holy and healthy? Is he sincere? Does he honour his parents? e.t.c Also I am using 1 Timothy 3 which has the characteristic of a leader. In the Midst of Her analysed it well

All these have helped me stop comparing him to the ex-mr and looking at him more. Also, now that we know how each other feel, my judgement isnt clouded, I see him with my head not necessarily my heart.. Thats not to say I dont miss sometimes.

Another thing that helps is that I am not talking to people about him"..

In the midst of her said...

Myne: Thank you so much; it truly means a lot! I thank God.

Abi: LOL…oh wow….?

UV Rays: Thank God and Thank you. Your view on the 10 commandments is new and fresh! never looked at it that way before!

Anonymous said...

I like unveilinggold comments as well, I have never viewed the commandments in that way.

I love how you explained your feedback, as a single woman I am taking notes.

Abi Tobi said...

like wise words!

Destiny said...

u always so insightful with any topic on love and marriage.truly enjoy reading. happy holidays to u and ur family