Sunday, January 13, 2013

Dear Inthe…How long is too long?

 *My first "Dear Inthe…" of the Year came in a weird way; not in an email but face to face.The hubster, baby boy and I spent part of the past holidays at one of the hubster’s friend’s house. He isn’t married yet, new in town and we wanted to give him that family feel over the holidays. One thing you need to know about the hubster is that he is very proud of me…a little…TOO.. proud. LOL! Though i’ve wanted this blog to remain anonymous, my husband has blown my cover with a lot of people; this guy ( lets call him “The Saint”) included. Well, jejely was I minding my own beeswax in the kitchen when he came up to me and asked me to “Dear Inthe…” him. He had a problem and wanted my advice.  So after taking a step back mentally, I said “ Let’s go!” You guys know I’ll “Dear Inthe..” in a public bathroom if someone needed it!

Dear Inthe…

waiting, waiting, waiting

I asked a female friend to be my girlfriend with the intentions of moving towards marriage and she's said she needs time to think about it. Even though I am serious about her and want to marry her, I’ve been waiting for months. How long should I wait for her?

The Saint

Dear Saint…
Even though you harass me constantly, spend too much time in my crib, diss my yoruba movies and eat up my food non stop ( had to get this off my chest…lol); I’ll forgive you long enough to be real with you.  I think beyond me saying “ Oh, you need to wait for XX months/yrs, I think I should answer from a more important perspective. The key is not only understanding what to do during this time but more importantly what not to do. To put it bluntly this lady is asking for time to see if you are husband material or not. I consider this a very delicate period and there are some points I would love for you to think about.

Point 1: She needs space from you.

I need my space.

It’s safe to say at this point she knows you’re interested. You shown, spoken and from what the hubster tells me “gifted” your interest to her. The ball is now in her court. This is the point to give her space for clarity sake to figure and pray out what God is saying. During this time, some of us make the mistake of hanging even closer to the person we are interested in and this is dangerous for different reasons. When you don’t give that needed breathing space, you are confusing her.  For her to be even considering you, she is interested to a certain point and if you keep hanging around her, she may have a hard time discerning between her spirit and her body. She make take whatever her body is saying as the compass that moves her into something her spirit doesn’t want. I am not saying shun the girl; you need to let her know you are still interested while you wait for her but don’t over do it. A nice but not too long phone call is better than 12 dozen roses sent to her office. Get it?

Point 2: She is a friend. Do not give her the benefits of a girlfriend.
 If you keep hanging around her, you will prolong her decision time. After all why should she say yes or no when you are all ready fulfilling the boyfriend role. The wrong male/femalecwill stall and enjoy you pouring yourself out without putting anything into the deal.  *Side note: Ladies, we cook, clean, feed and sex men who haven’t given us a shred of commitment and when they refuse to step up and makes it official because they are not ready, or need to think about it or feel you’re moving too fast, we end up used and bitter. Decoded, all that jazz rubbish means, why buy the cow when they are being served ice cold milk every night! Shine your eyes!
The Milk Mustache

Point 3: Protect your heart.

Giving you a time frame is a bit difficult because I don’t know whats going on in her head. Do I think you should wait? Yes, because you want to marry her…THAT’S BIG!! Do I think you should wait for ever? ABSOLUTELY NOT!! Some people hear from God but make the choice to do otherwise ( I am not saying this is what she is doing!!).

Proverbs 4:23 "Protect Your Heart" #LifeRootsSeries 21

While you wait for your answer, do understand that it might be a NO! There’s no concrete rule for preparing for a possible let down  but giving her the space I mentioned earlier can make it a bit easier. Keep praying and making sure she is THE ONE. There is no point putting home girl through all this just for you to be the one to back out later.

So there you go! I pray this helps you. I am excited about this phase of your life and I pray you go out and be bold in the Lord!

Guys, please add your biblical two cents…I know he’ll love it!

…musings from atop the potter’s wheel...


'Lara said...

I totally agree with all the points you have listed here...I am in this same situation as the girl and I think my major problem now is that the man in question is all up in my face...I hope I make the right decision soon.

As for time, I really cannot say how long or short he should wait...but he should not be waiting for a year.

Myne Whitman said...

Inthe, I think you've said it all. The fact is that if a lady takes too long without any strong reason, it could be she's not interested but doesn't know how to say No. Saint should ask for a final answer, and then give her some space.