Wednesday, May 01, 2013

Dear Inthe…I'm ready, he's not! Should I leave?

Dear Inthe

First of, thank you soo much for your blog! I can't even begin to tell you how helpful and inspiring you are, thanks so much! I just discovered your blog last night ( from Myne's blog) and I think i read all your posts going back to the beginning of 2012.. Just last night :) Your openness and dedication to helping others truly has to be God…:). I would really
appreciate your advice on something.

     I'm currently in a relationship with an amazing man. He’s not perfect obviously but he supports me, loves me just as I am and is ALWAYS there for me, fighting for me and my dreams and goals ( even when the opponent is myself) and  he makes me want to be the very best me. He is humble, accountable, genuinely loves and respects others. He has a genuine relationship with God and God is his priority in his life. We have been together for 2 years and its been great; tough sometimes but great. Im 24 and he's 25. I asked him a few months back when he thinks he wants to get married and he said when he's 30 :(. I don't want to wait until I'm 29 to get married and I told him that. He said he's not ready for marriage now but that it's what he has been( and wants us to continue) working towards.

Scars from my Youth.
Needless to say, I was quite disappointed I would like to get married soon. As much as he loves me, I know that he won't get married until he feels he is ready. Athough we both have good jobs we are both barely saving after paying rent because it's is expensive. We both also want to go to business school next year and that's another two years of schooling so I can sort of see how he's not ready. This man loves me, not just by words. Everyday shows me. So, do I wait until he's ready and get on my knees to pray that God makes him want to get married sooner lol? Or do I leave him and trust God to bring someone who is ready to be married.
Ready and Willing

Hey RW,
Thank you so much for your encouraging words; it honestly humbles me and keeps me moving. From the bottom of my heart, I love answering my “ Dear Inthe…” questions ( So blogsville, keep them coming!!!)

You’re question is very interesting. You’ve found a prince charming 1Tim 3 man but he is not ready to get married for another 5 years. You want me to tell you if it’s ok for you to leave him because you want to get married much earlier?. Your letter brings up so many questions and I am going to throw them out there. Hopefully, they'll guide you through this process. 

Let me be honest,I am not a fan of long term relationships because I believe it increases the risks of “slipping”. When you are in love, you can only keep sexual temptation at bay for so long before things get too complicated. You can be a born again saint but that doesn't erase the human side of you. The idea of you guys waiting 5 more years without crossing the line is possible but very improbable. I am not trying to say anything about you or your man but how long can a hungry man hold a hot pizza before tearing it up? 

Mop: Having a break

I also believe that 2 people have to be mutually ready to be married; manipulating your way down the aisle is asking for trouble on so many levels.Have you asked him exactly why he isn’t ready for marriage? What does he say to your unwillingness to wait 5 more years? or have you not even told him?

There is the argument of both of you being students but there is absolutely no reason why two students can’t get married; if that's what they BOTH want.  When the hubster and I met, we were both in school; both living off the few dollars we had but we made it work by being realistic. I didn’t lay claim on his money, and he never made claims on mine; for example, I bought my own air tickets ( it was a long distance relationship) and he bought his. I took him out just as much as he took me out; we were a couple but financially lived as individuals. If push came to shove, we could have gotten married and stayed under the same restrictions.I've seen it many a time and the results were joyous. You really need to have a discussion with him; not a fighting, crying or dish breaking discussion but a serious calm heart to heart. There is a place and a time where a man feels comfortable to bare his heart and that's where he feels no judgement or anger. As hard as it may be,take hold of your emotions and listen with your head and your heart; I believe you will find the answers you seek.

woman's broken heart
 So that brings me to my next question, what are you going to do with this answer? Before having this discussion with him, you need to pray and have a heart to heart with yourself. What is your life timeline? What are you boundaries? What are you prepared to do? what will be your response to an unfavorable one from him? that is, if he says he is absolutely not getting married till 2018, what are you prepared to do about it? Can you stay with him trusting you'll eventually get married to him? Dont say you'll leave if you are going to stay and dont say you'll stay if you are planning to leave.

To your last question...Should you leave him? I’m sorry sis… Only you can answer that question…but….but… if you leave him for anything please don’t let it be just to find another guy who is ready to get marriedThe criteria of “being ready to get married” is great but it shouldn’t be the 1st, 2nd or even 3rd thing on the "must- have" list. A man is not worthy of you just because he wants to get married ASAP; in this day and age, marrying the wrong person is a mistake you pay for eternally. I wish you all the best.

PS:it might also help to talk to someone who knows you both and of your relationship. Finding someone who is grounded spiritually might help you take a closer look and decide the next step.

Oya folks... Add your biblical 2 cents.

...Musings from atop the potter's wheel.


pearlzville T.O said...

you don't really blame him.. you guys are still young and hes practically your age mate.. you know most men like to wait till age 28,29, 30 after they think they have established something...if he says hes not ready, there no point wasting your time and hoping..It will be hard but you may just have to move on and hopefully find someone 4-5 years older or even someone that is ready to be married at your time.. goodluck

1 + The One said...

Great response ITMoH..
My thought is that if you are convinced that he is a good man as you have detailed + you have peace about your relationship, it's best to prayerfully wait with him..
4 years may seem (is) a long time to wait to get married to someone you love and want to start forever with right now, however a good man (just as a good woman) is worth waiting for.
He may change his mind about timing if some circumstances change - I have a friend who was in a similar situation and they kinda reached a compromise. They are married today.
And then again, he may not. I believe that some men like to have their lives planned out and want to put some things into place before the issue of marriage is approached.
I would say, keep talking about it without putting pressure, ensure that he is not just shying away from commitment, encourage openness always in your relationship so that you know where you both stand with each other at all times.
Have a goal and work towards it. Pray towards it, save towards it and talk about it together, as a team.
Also, like ITMoH rightly said, it's very difficult not to 'slip' during this long period so please ask God for grace and take care, be protective of your relationship and honouring God and each other before marriage.
(Sorry about the epistle, hope it makes sense lol).. I pray for God's grace for you to make the right decision xx

In the midst of her said...

Pearlz... The one... Can you guys wait 5 yrs?? Hmmm, no be beans oooh. I feel the girl sha!

Abi Tobi said...

oh boy! .. will come back for more comments

I won't leave tho, if I were you. Maybe u assure him that for the first few years u both will be living "single" financially. most guys I know (serious about their girl) want to wait till they can pay for everything for the woman. I have a friend (male) working etc in a Godly relatiobship too who told me he needs to be very sure he can take care of his care FULLY before getting married. Including her fowarding her education. does he love her? yes, and very very much

but I dunno

Anonymous said...

You responded!! Thanks so much "InThe.." I know you have been busy with your exams so I really appreciate it.
Thank you so much Pearlz, 1+The, Abi Tobi. By the way, I'm the girl who sent this question to InThe :)
Its so funny that I saw this today because I actually just spoke to him this morning about it and his words "I don't know what I want from this relationship", "If it leads to marriage, fine. If it doesn't, fine as well." "I'm not thinking of marriage in the near future so I can't tell you what I want from this or where it is headed". "I want us to continue building each other up and helping each other be the best we can be".

I think you get the gist by now. Btw, we are not in school..we both graduated college 4 years ago and have pretty great jobs with great salaries as well. Unfortuantely, we both live in manhattan where it is crazily expensive.

But back to the issue, I told him that I think its best for us to be friends since we are not on the same page. He said ok. All this was just this morning so we will see how things go. Am I hurt and disappointed,definitely. I cant even explain how much. Am I scared that I made the wrong decision, yes I am. Because I'm not even exaggerating when I say he is a good man. In fact, I re-read InThe's Timothy man post again to try look for things on there that he is missing but I couldn't find.
I hate to be single again. Esp since I logged on to fb and three of my classmates just got engaged! But fortunately, God has worked on me so much this past year. He has shown me (through a different aspect of my life) what it really means to fully trust him even when everything around me is screaming despair and impossibility. So as hurt, scared, disappointed, did I mention hurt I feel today, I am choosing to trust God for the very best. I will cry tonight and for God knows how long but I will be fine. And at the right time, God's will regarding this aspect of my life will be fulfilled at just the right time.
Wow, Im surprised at how positive I sound. Let me wait until a difficulty situation/issue comes up during my day and he's not there for me to call for encouragement and counsel..then I will see how positive I really am.

Again, thanks so much guys. God bless you all! :) xx

In the midst of her said...

To my anonymous writer:

I am so SORRY! I can’t imagine how hurt and broken you must feel right now! There is so much I would like to share with you right now. Pls send me your email at I would like to have a private conversation with you. I promise to keep it confidential and not shared on my blog. I will be waiting.

Abi Tobi said...

awwwwww *HUGS**

if he isn't even sure then it's sad, it is better not to waste your time since u want forever...

You should keep praying for strength, wisdom and directions tho... and no matter how broken u feel u will do just fine, .. *HUGS**

1 + The One said...

Wow... So sorry to hear about the latest update. I had really hoped that it would work out positively.

I think you made the right decision to be friends. His response wasn't enough guarantee for you to invest your time and emotions (which are very precious). Well done, it was a very brave step to take but well done for not being prepared to settle for less... You deserve more.

Not meaning to sound blase, but if he is the one for you, he would come back. If not, you have the best man coming.... As difficult as it seems, please don't hold on to good and miss out on best..

I know it sounds easier said than done (from personal experience) but please be encouraged.. Trust God, it will become clearer in the near future..

God bless you dear xx

Anonymous said...

Ooh my sista'
I also wrote to Inthe few months ago...And after her answer (so inspired and wise as usual!), I was rrreaaally disapointed by the unfolding of events...
Now, I can assure you that God knows BEST, He has the master plan!!
I am sure that in these times where you think that you will be so weak without your "dear love", you will find that God, your father, will ALWAYS be there for you, days and night! His grace will be more than sufficient and his favor will not tarry!
I think you made the right decision at this stage (I don't believe in waiting EVEN IF the other one already told you that he "was not sure of the outcome of your relationship").
I believe like someone said that "he'll be back if he is the one for you": Keep praying God the Father, rely on Jesus your savior like never before, and let the Holy spirit move freely in your life: You'll never ever regret it;-)

E' said...

oh wow
love and its many intricacies...
im glad he opened up... esp as to how d relationship may or may not go
u are so not on d same page he is a good person and i think you are too... but the deal is not every 'two good persons' go together...
u sound really positve. may Grace keep abounding sweerie...
truth is, you may need to move on... if he does come bak and u are still available, good. if not, good too. God sorts out his own...
il also say please eh, reduce d closeness at least to him. it gets harder to move on if he keeps being the first on ur speed dial all the time...
many hugs darling...

Ginger said...

Just came to say I loved the advice you gave..then i read the comments. Sigh. I love her spirit and God will surely and faithfully see her through.

"A man is not worthy of you just because he wants to get married ASAP"
I saw this bit and chuckled cause i nearly fell into that trap lol. He saved me.