Friday, September 13, 2013

Dear Inthe…I need to find my way.

Dear Inthe
God bless you mightily for your blog and this platform. I grew up in the church and though I didn’t fully get saved, I knew the difference between right and wrong. I started dating about five years ago and I’ve been in four different relationships since then but the last one really tore me . I got cheated on and I fell in a bad way. I found your blog and I found the courage to leave that relationship.

Now, I’m a good person, but I don’t know how I can become the type of woman a good christian guy would want to be with because they all don’t seem like the type of people I hang with. I don't see myself fitting into the stereotyped character of a Christian girl that deserves a good guy. I’m struggling with my salvation and a whole lot. I just really need advice. I’m taking some “me” time but I want to make sure that I’m prepared in case the guy should come.
Thank You
(*Content Edited for Privacy*)

Dear Bee,

Although your letter is brief, it is heavy and carries a lot. I am going to break it down into sections in order to do it the justice it deserves. Let’s go...

--God bless you mightily for your blog and this platform.

Proverbs 17 vs 17: A friend loves at all times...
Thank you for inviting me into your life. It is truly a privilege to be able to help you in a most intimate part of your life. I do not take it lightly. I love blogging! it’s like having a real good girl chat.
In my eyes, we are all sisters trying to navigate a path pleasing to God; helping each other only makes things easier.

--I started dating about five years ago and I’ve been in four different relationships since then but the last one really tore me . I got cheated on and I fell in a bad way. I found your blog and I found the courage to leave that relationship.

Provs 24 vs 16: Though a righteous man falleth… they rise.
Another love
Relationships are not as “ Easy, Breezy” as Hollywood and some people like to make it seem; the hurt is as real ( trust me, I’ve lived it)  as the joy and the baggage can be lasting. Either way, I thank God that this blog was able to be of some help to you during a hard time. 

--Now, I am a good person, but I don’t know how I can become the type of woman a good christian guy would want to be with because they don’t seem like the people I hang with.

John 8 vs 32: Then you shall know the truth and the truth shall set you free               

  Bee, you say you are a good person who knows right from wrong, but let me ask; are you a born again Christian? You grew up in the church but say you weren’t fully saved, has that changed at present? The reason I ask is because salvation will be the crux of every thing I am going to tell you from henceforth. If you and I don’t share the basics of faith, what I am about to say to you might seem like utter rubbish; since I don’t have that answer, I’ll just keep. moving.

Opposites Attract

I might as well tell you, there is absolutely NO WAY you can become the type of woman you mentioned; at least in yourself and by yourself.  What  attracts and keeps a good christian guy to a christian girl, is the Christ they mutually share. Kinda like two magnets; polar opposites but with the strongest attraction! They don’t know why they are moving towards each other, they just know they HAVE too. In Christian relationship, there is no formula or three quick and easy  steps to become what a guy might want. It’s bigger than you, you can’t do it, unless you let Christ in and let him transform you.

--I don't see myself fitting into the stereotyped character of a Christian girl that deserves a good guy.

Matt 23 vs 13: You yourselves do not enter, nor will you let enter those who are trying too

Notice, I highlighted two important things. Let’s discuss them. What is the stereotypical christian girl? No, I am not trying to be funny! What does she look like? I ask because you will get a different answer depending on whom you ask. Is she the “SU" looking girl who wears only skirts and dresses and considers everything from makeup to music to men a sin against God? Or do you see her as a good girl, perfect in EVERY way and never making a mistake. Either way, I can tell you both stereotypes are wrong!

Rainbow Patchwork Skirt

Although, men have tried to shape what salvation looks like, christians are as eclectic as the very God we serve.  In our freedom, we need to act out of love and not fear or boundaries. For example,  I don’t wear mini skirts, or expose cleavage. This is not because I wouldn't like to but because I do not want to push another man into the sin of lust or adultery. I don’t listen to music with graphic or vulgar words not because I am afraid of what God will do to me if I do, but because I don’t want my mind dwelling on anything that will not encourage my soul nor do I want to celebrate those who don't. In regards to deserving a Christian guy, the fact is that in itself, we don’t deserve anything. Looking at my life before the hubster, I know for a fact that I don’t deserve him but God is a God who gives out of sheer love and mercy. He gives those who ask of him in faith. You can’t make yourself deserve anything but you can trust God will give you what you need WHEN you need it.

--I'm struggling with my salvation and forgiveness and a whole lot.

Mark 9 vs 24: Lord Help my unbelief

Bee, if you are struggling, then just STOP! Breathe and let it all go. Do you know when lifeguards are rescuing drowners, the worse situations are those where the drowner is struggling? With struggling, they could actually pull themselves and the lifeguard down under! In some situations, the lifeguard might actually knock the drowner unconscious in order to help. If you are struggling, first stop and figure out what you are struggling with. Are you struggling with becoming saved or staying saved. Some people don’t even know if they are saved or not and God would rather us be hot or cold than lukewarm. Figure out where you stand! it’s perfectly ok to admit you don’t believe as long as you are willing to search for the truth. With some people, salvation is so difficult because the “Christianity” they’ve been exposed too is a religion full of laws created by a scary God who spends every second ready to destroy them  for all their  shortcomings. Girlfriend, that aint the God I know. Stop struggling…breathe… breathe….

The Drowning pool.

In regards to unforgiveness,  hmmmh… been there, done that. It took me almost a decade to forgive a person from my past. Everyday I would wake up believing I was strong enough to get over the past and by the end of the day, I was right back to where I started. Do you know how I finally let go? By letting God do the hard work. I tried, but I couldn’t so I just kept praying to God to do it for me…and he answered.

--I'm taking some 'me' time but I want to make sure that I'm prepared in case the guy should come. 

Matthew 6 vs 33: Seek ye first the Kingdom of God

Bee,  I completely agree with you taking time off; but we are going to differ on what you should spend that time doing. The foundation of every good and sustainable relationship is Christ and without getting your heart situated in him, even if the right guy came along, you guys would repel each other. The answer to everything you seek is God. Once you have him, your new life in him will radiate so brightly it would draw “ all men to you…” Lol…get it?
Time of Life... State of Mind

You seem to have a lot of things on your mind and some emotional housekeeping to do, I would advise you to let go of the relationship angle right now and try and work these things out; not only will it help you heal, but when the right guy comes around, you will be the best you can be.



Jennifer Abayowa said...

Wow, dear InThe...there are so many things I loved about your response letter...I don't even know where to start. I think this is the best I've read of all the "Dear Inthe" segments. My prayer for Bee is that God will teach her through this Blog, and that the Holy Spirit will (by Himself) transform her into the person she was created by God to be.

...being born-again is definitely at the crux of every relationship, if Christ is not at the center, there's no way to be 'good' by ourselves or to ever be ready for the right man.

Also, I loved what you said here, "In regards to deserving a Christian guy, the fact is that in itself, we don’t deserve anything. Looking at my life before the hubster, I know for a fact that I don’t deserve him but God is a God who gives out of sheer love and mercy." Praise God. That's the way I feel too about my husband. He is simply a gift from God and I totally didn't qualify to receive such a gift. Despite my many flaws and imperfections, God is still amazing and kind to His children.

Your illustration using the lifeguard and drowning person situation was very apt and helpful. Wow. You came up with the best example on letting go and allowing the Ultimate Lifeguard (Jesus) to lead us to salvation.

Not to mince words, I really really like this post. I pray Bee finds it helpful.

In the midst of her said...

E’licious: You know that means a LOT coming from you. Amen to your prayers for Bee. There is nothing like the freedom of God’s love.

1 + The One said...

I absolutely agree with Jennifer's comment.
*I think you should be a Counsellor*.. Your response is very practical without compromising your faith! Love-eet!
God continue to bless you hun xx

E' said...

Loooool Inthe... You loh me sha... That wasn't E'licious. Jennifer would have your head for this.
But truth is Jennifer's opening sentence sounds like what I would say especially this 'Dear Inthe...' being my BEST ever.
This kinda post makes me grateful even though I really can't relate to that sorta past. But I am grateful that people who share such can help each other out.
Nne, you said it all.
Especially with the BREATHE part...My darling breathe... and with each exhalation, feel free to recite and meditate on Romans 8;1, THERE IS THEREFORE NOW ABSOLUTELY NO CONDEMNATION...
Cos truly there is none darling Bee.
Don't worry, sometime, you would look back and smile so hard that you once struggled with this free salvation. Or even life and marriage and fitting into a stereotype. I promise. Just stay with HIM and He will sort you out.
I am mighty glad inthe's blog ministry helped you move this far and I pray you will keep taking giant amazing steps in your Christ walk... Mega hugs
Inthe... You remind me so much of my late Pastor Bimbo Odukoya with how you answer these questions.
More grace my love
E'licious (I love the name)

Anosime said...

Dear, In the... I loved the way you said let it go. that's the best path to forgiveness Letting it go and just breathing. Truth be told, I really love this 'Dear in the' and the way you replied Bee.
I pray Bee, that you experience the peaceful awesomeness of forgiveness. Trust me it is. especially when the person who hurt you doesn't care or overlooks the fact that you were hurt. breathe and enjoy God's ever present breath he's been waiting to give you.
Well done, Inthe.

In the midst of her said...

E: hahahaha….please no violence in the house of God! Forgive me biko!!!!1

1Plus: Counselor? Hmmmm…. I would love too if God gave me the go ahead.

Miss Nono: Letting go is for us as much as for the other person. It helps us help God help us release the hold the other person might have on us!!

jhazmyn said...

God bless you for your response ITMOH, I pray Bee comes to a place of peace and joy in due time..