Wednesday, September 04, 2013

Who are you?…What are we doing?

So wedding season is coming to an end. I am a huge relationship fan and I love when it’s being done well. Some might think that the gospel is against relationships but what its actually against is the "relationships gone wrong" we tend to see nowadays ( anyone know of a show where 15 women live in a house with one man, clawing each others eyes of for a stupid rose while he calmly “tastes” every one of them….smh). So, this summer ends  with different people on different levels; some people being single, some people being in relationships and some people just plain confused. Why? because they are not quite sure what they’re in! I call these the “Shades of Grey” relationships aka "feels like a relationship, looks like a relationship but let’s not call it a relationship” situations.

If you’ve read this blog for any period of time, you’ll know I’m not a fan of merry go round relationships; situations where peeps state they are in one but are actually just going in circles. The fifth year of their relationship finds them not a step further than where they started from. Actually they might have gone a couple of steps backwards because where year one found them giving each other butterflies and spending hours on the phone but by year five, everything is mundane and so-so. Oh, I hear you out there. Someone just said “Inthe…, Wait ooh. What tings are you yarning? Things get dry, mundane and so-so in marriage too.” Yes, if you let it, things can get mundane in marriage but where you would fight to keep things spicy with your spouse ( Death do us part tings/, in a relationship, it might be easier  and much tempting to just let go and move on; after all whats really holding him there? Dont get me wrong, I’m not advocating meeting today and marrying tomorrow but in every step of a relationship, you should know exactly what you are ( friend, fling, future wife) and play your role accordingly.

 A good way of dealing with merry go round relationships is having a “ Who are you and what are we” discussion. “Who are you” because we’ve all heard  the “ just a friend” jazz these men like to talk sometimes and the “What are we doing?” is to know his mind and prevent any “ we’re just having fun/ messing around/ seeing where things go” yarns.  This is a sit down and discuss situation which will shed light on whats really going on in your relationship. It is actually a SOTU of sorts so feel free to use the steps listed there. The point is not only to figure out the direction of the relationship but also to get the opportunity for either to jump ship if necessary. Yeah, you heard me right! Would you rather a brother jumping ship while you two are still boyfriend/girlfriend or when you are husband and wife? I thought so. If you can’t find a way to bring this up, one of my favorite singles blog ( designed a test to help. It’s called a DTR ( Define the relationship test) which you can use to figure things out in black and white.

Writing cards

I have to warn you though, you have to be emotionally ready for the results of this discussion because they might not be what you expected. Homeboy might say you’re moving too fast and he needs a couple more years to figure things out; or where you are already picking out your wedding colors, the guy thinks marriage is over rated. In the worst of scenarious, it might even be the beginning of the end of the relationship because once each of you knows where the other stands, you can’t un-learn it.But…but…but….there are also many positives to a “Who are you…What are we talk.”  For some chicks who are over thinkers, worriers and anal perfectionists, it might finally allow you to let your walls and hair down to relax and enjoy the relationship you’re in. It can give you the assurance of where you stand and both of you can learn if you have a common goal in mind. For my crazy  guarded girls out there snooping through their man’s stuff, hacking into email accounts and following people in unmarked cars, knowing the real deal might help you drop the paranoia and any other baggage you might be carrying.

14 of 365 "Walk Away"

Remember, a relationship is a  journey with a destination but never a destination in itself.

…Musings from atop the potter’s wheel


jhazmyn said...

I have always been an advocate of the "what are we doing talk" yet for some reason, some of us are against it.

While I was still dating, until I've had that talk, I always kept things on a neutral level. No matter how much fluttering I felt in my heart (and trust me, it did so many times)

Yes, there may be guys that say they are all in and still go on to break your heart, but at least, let your conscience be satisfied that he out-rightly lied to you.

He might be at your beck and call and adore the ground you walk on, but please, until he states what he wants from you, don't assume that you're in a relationship...Thanks for this ITMOH

1 + The One said...

Preach! No time for time wasting lol... That 'talk' can be difficult and emotionally wrenching for a gal, but very needed! xx

Blessing said...

Totally agree with u #nuffsaid #cosign #datruth

Abi Tobi said...

I always like to ask the question "what r we doing?" especially when I am into the guy.. I hate wasting my precious feelings on someone who might careless....

but also, there are times, I actually just want to take it slow before defining the relationship.... I don't think there is anything wrong with that.. it could take months before I can fully commit even for a man I am crazy about.. errmm is that weird?

In the midst of her said...

Jhazmyn: ( I Love your name!!!) You’re absolutely welcome

1Plus: Much needed!!!!

Blessings: Latest iyawo on the block! LOL!!! much love

Abi: Truth! You could take time to determine the situation but while you’re doing this, play your role.I’ve said it 100x, chicks lose out when they don’t play their role according to what the guy see her as.You’re still checking him out, then you shouldn’t be sucking on tongue flavored lollipop (lol). If you’re checking him out? Then you shouldn’t be sweating out your weave in his kitchen cooking for an army. You’re checking him out? He shouldn’t be monopolizing your time, nor should you be stealing his.You can tell who a man is plus his potential without slipping into wifey role or expecting him to be “baby daddy”.Men were created to do hard things, women were made to make a man WANT to do hard things. Let him work, sweat and grunt for it.

Cindy Saul said...

The gospel is also against the dating without purpose!

I totally think before you get into a relationship it's important to know each other's expectation and when you are in the relationship, ask yourself these questions as well so that you aren't wasting each other's time.

Mz CocoH said...

An emotional topic. But honestly, this is true, a merry go around is very draining. Cut things off, and be who God wants you to be. God never designs confusing relationships. NEVER AASSUUME!! that one! If he doesn't state it clear RUNNNN!!!!

Alieux (Daij) said...


Anosime said...

True this, inthe... so many merry go round relationships here and there. God is not the author of confusion. if it is meant to be it should work and it must be clearly defined. Both parties should also make it work.

Anosime said...

True this, inthe...if it is meant to be serious, the guy will make it obvious that he has good intentions except where the lady is not interested.