Sunday, October 27, 2013

Dear Inthe…Sex before marriage.

Dear Inthe,


 Lets say a guy wants sex in a relationship and maybe the woman doesn't and she loves him, is that enough reason to break up with him? I mean should you just break up just because he wants sex and you the woman doesn't? What if that's the destined husband or stuff like that? And will she keep on breaking up with all men because frankly, how many men will abstain before marriage? That's a tough one though.


Dear Anon-nabella,
Great Question! It’s been asked a million times in the past and it will be asked a million plus one more in the future. Why? because sex is that popular! In the christian circle, they are those having it, those who wish they were having it, those who've had it once upon a time and and those waiting for it. Either way, in one form or another, it is on everyone’s mind.  For Christians, sex before marriage is absolutely against the word of God. Full stop. Period. Drop it. Lol, girl, where should I even start with the scripture supporting this? There are tons but I will give you my favorite one.

water drinking fountain

Provs 5: 15-20: Drink water from your own cistern, running water from your own well. Should your springs overflow in the streets, your streams of water in the public squares? Let them be yours alone, never to be shared with strangers. May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth. A loving doe, a graceful deer-- may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be captivated by her love. Why be captivated, my son, by an adulteress? Why embrace the bosom of another man's wife?

Now re-read that scripture replacing  every reference to “water” with that of “sex". It would read something like this:

(Inthe’s Version): Stay in your own lane and keep your eyes on what belongs to you. Why should you waste your body, your sexuality, your very essence on every person you meet? Your sexuality is yours and yours alone, never share it with strangers. May your bed and sexuality be blessed and may you rejoice in your partner (not someone else’s and FYI, they are someone else’s till you’re married) May your spouses’s body (and their’s only) satisfy you and may you forever be lost in his/her love. Why should you be captivated by what does not belong to you and why should you be sexing another person’s partner? Someone out there has the key to your heart, be patient till you find them.

the key to my heart

This might sound controversial but I believe a wo/man does not belong to you until vows have been exchanged. So that whole “ I love him/we’ve been together for eight years/will eventually get married/met their parents/knowthey are the one” jazz doesn’t excuse you. I hear people say the whole “virginity-sexual purity” thing is outdated and “old school” and no one “does it” anymore. No, there are virgins out there, we just cower in shame. No one wants to admit it because we are afraid we will be viewed as “uncool”, “SU” or whatever ridiculous terms they are using nowadays. The more I interact with singles, the more I realize they need not only scripture but actual encouragement that sexual purity still can be achieved in this day and age. To the glory of God, I was a virgin when I got married, had friends who were virgins when they got married (guys and girls) and know peeps in their thirties who are still waiting; so it is a fact that it can be done. I know men (emphasis on the word MEN!) who are virgins and more than willing to wait on sex till the right time. Don’t get me wrong, no one is saying it is easy; the question is are we willing to sacrifice to make it happen?  Are you prepared to lose girlfriends/boyfriends or even friends because of the stance you take for God and for sexual purity?

True Love Waits

In regards to wether it is worth breaking up with your boyfriend over;  I am going to speak very bluntly…Is it MORE than enough reason to break up with a guy. If a man ( using the term loosely here) is pestering you over sex, I strongly encourage that you do what you need to do to abstain, even if it means breaking up with him. Girlfriend, he does not love you and you should be alarmed!!  Besides the guy not respecting you and your wish for holiness, what about him? Where is his head, his heart and the spirit of God within him? Is this the guy you want to hand over leadership of your life too? The truth is he has way more bigger issues than sex at hand; he needs to go find his God.



Debby Dyk said...

This is good and an encouragement that I appreciate
But for those masturbating/having phone sex? What what do you have for them?

1 + The One said...

Thank you! Once again you hit the nail on the head.. I love your interpretation of that verse.. I went back to it and started replacing every 'water' with 'sex' lol..

Sex before marriage can be very sensitive to some people as 'everyone is doing it' but like you said, everyone is NOT doing it! And I am one of those people in my late twenties not 'doing it'! It can be difficult sometimes but it is possible and just like InThe has written on many occassions, it is worth it!

That guy who just 'has to have you' will secretly respect you for that decision (of course he will never admit it to you now!)

May God give you the grace to trust Him enough to know that you don't have to compromise His word to get His blessing of a good MAN! xxxx

Abi Tobi said...


Akibo tommie said...

Some of us are proud virgins oh... I don't mind the "SU" tag, it even keeps the wrong ones off!!

My best friend (a guy) is a virgin, he told me recently that a girl asked him if he was gay because he had never had sex before :( Its so saaad!!

Thank you for the encouragement as usual and keep doing what you do. We Love it!!

Eniola Prentice said...

true. I believe even before getting into a relationship with someone , you set these boundaries. Some guys will run ( you know he is definitively not the one for you) an some may stay ( possibly Gods choice). :)

Frances Okoro said...

I am not going to say much,I'll just say thank u for this! God bless u ma! U av no idea how much dis was needed by me.
Greater grace on u IJN,amen! Thank u!

Unyime-Ivy King said...

Thanks for daring to talk about this sensitive topic. So many have compromised and rationalized it away wit, 'after all, we are going to get married.' It is amazing the number of believers who have bought into the lies of the world, and trivialized sex. However, many too are still standing as well. It is possible not to indulge in premarital sexual misadventures. Contrary to what the world is touting, not everyone is sexually active before marriage.

In the midst of her said...

Debby: Great Q! The most important thing is not limiting or breaking sex down to just the act of penetration. it is about keeping your sexuality under wraps. If I am engaging in phone sex, I am using my words to do the same exact thing my body would have been doing if he were with me. With masturbation, let me ask you something, what are you thinking about while you’re at it? Yeah, I thought so…lol.

Plus1 : Amen!!! Thanks for the love…and you are right, not EVERYONE is doing it!!!!


Tomi: You go girl! Fly that V flag hiiiiiigh!! Men have it much harder :(

ENIOLA: You are absolutely right. Boundaries are the key!

Frances: You are in a no “Ma” zone!!! Lol. Thanks!

Ivy:Pure Lies!!! God help us!

E' said...

'This might sound controversial but I believe a wo/man does not belong to you until vows have been exchanged.'
Nne, this is NOT controversial even a little. Until vows have been exchanged, NO DEAL.
It is harder to abstain. So those who abstain should be VERY PROUD. I meanm, we should even go to Aso rock to collect money after which we go to CAN too.
It is EASIER to sex around. No elf control. Now shouldnt you be THE ONE who should be hiding under the table?!?!?!?!!?
This is A great MYSTERY/REVERSAL which I can't understand.
I am even angry sef. Lemme simemr before I do my own post.

Frances Okoro said...

Ok,"no ma"
Thanks 4dis again.
Btw,how do I contact u?
I av something I need 2ask.

glowingscenes said...

I'm afraid If I add something more to this post I may just ruin it.

Why? Because you have done it justice without coating the truth. You have laid it down the way it should be said and you remind me of Mandy Dobblemann. A lady who is a virgin at 29 and talks about the deep and true meaning of sex. She blogs at and she's awesome.

Do you know I had read this bible verse of proverbs earlier but instead of sex, I used something to substitute it which is similar...,hmmmn, who would have known.

Praise God for His word and wisdom.

God bless u as always

V O said...

Dear Inthe, i must ask an important question.. what if you and your boyfriend have continually had sex? and as an individual you didnt see anything wrong in it before and your faith hadnt reached that level.. how do you let him know now you want to stop having sex?

In the midst of her said...

Hey V...Great Question and thank you for commenting.

This is a situation a lot of people find themselves in. I would first make sure that abstinence is a decision you stand by and can live with because without a shadow of a doubt, be it with this guy or the next, temptation will come. Then you need to take your decision to your bf; he will either accept or disagree. if he disagrees, you need to pray for strength to let him go because no man should come before your God. Feel free to email me for further advice! Blessings.....