Wednesday, October 02, 2013

Dear Inthe…What does love look like?

So this week's post is a very interesting one; it's a "Dear Inthe..." but with a spin. So not too long ago, a reader and a blogger friend asked if we could chat about a question she had about relationships and of course I agreed! So between cooking up some Efo riro for the Hubster and entertaining Babyboy, I did my first "Dear Inthe..." chat. Needless to say I loved it!!! Let's call her "I love love" cuz this girl truly loves love, the real kind!

At Home - Mac addict :)

With my I love love's (or ILL for short) permission, I am posting the conversation. It has been edited for privacy and brevity but I kept the koko in there. Enjoy!

I love love: Ok, so I have followed your blog posts very closely :-) and there's a series you did on your childhood 'sweetheart' and I wanted to ask a few things. I need to talk to someone about something and get some form of counsel/voice of experience. It also has to do with choosing a life partner and how you know or what to look out for/what's important

Inthe: Ok.. Ok... Go on

ILL: I've always wanted the 'crazy' kinda love and of course with all the fundamentals non-negotiable.So there's this guy whom I've become really close with and find it very easy to talk to and like my male best friend BUT I don't get that *spark* with him. He doesn't excite me like I feel my husband should. However I'm thinking is that trivial? Should I look more on the 'solid things like his relationship with God, our ability to get on well, (when I think of it, it all sounds clinical!) Like a bus contract! I Want.the.romance! The excitement/ rush of adrenaline in addition to the 'solidness’.  My last relationship was like that and I was so excited at the reality of  being with someone who loved God and ticked all my boxes. Is that unrealistic? Should I just be happy with him being a friend and regard those others as secondary?! So basically, I wanted to get your opinion, what matters in making THAT choice?

I choose love
Inthe: I have a few questions to start with.  This guy friend, are you feeling him or are things platonic?

ILL: There’s a “fondness” there but I don’t want to confuse feelings.

Inthe: Confuse feelings?

ILL:With the fact that we talk a lot + wanting to be with someone etc

Inthe: Is he feeling you?

ILL: I don't know. We try to keep it light but there are signs (that I don't want to explore)

Inthe: And you don't want to explore because you are not feeling ur heart go Gbam! Gbam from the get go abi?

ILL: Yup!

Inthe: the general theory Is that if you meet the “ONE", the flutter in your heart and butterflies in your belly will let you know it's him?

Love at First Sight

ILL:Errr. Kinda and of course he's a purposeful man who is taller than me. Lol. That's not too much too ask right?

Inthe:Hmmm... Before I go on. Umh, how real u want me to be with you? I have "she's my blood" real and the "customer's always right” real?

ILL:Please 'she's my blood' real! That's why I came to you! Be Brutaaaaal!

Inthe: Ok! You asked for it!
I am not going to tell you what to do about this boy, but i will share with you some truths which might help you make ur decisions. 

Girl, Hollywood’s got us confused. We expect rainbow, glitters and unicorns when we fall in love. Love is not the gbiti gbati of your heart. It’s actually a bit bigger…. can u imagine having this rush of emotions EVERYTIME you meet a guy you find even remotely attractive?You don’t feel explosions every time you see him (the friend in question), yet you say you’ve  prevented yourself from even exploring the possibilities in your mind.You don’t want love to be a bus contract but I am sorry to break it to you…thats exactly what it is! Just like you don’t fall into a contract, you don’t fall into love, you walk into it with your spiritual eyes and mind open cuz its 4 ever.

Inthe: Are you still there? Did I chase you away

ILL: No, I’m here. Nah! I feel like you can get me.

Inthe: Ive said it a couple of times on my blog… when i met the hubster, the first thing out of my mouth was H*LL NO!! He was 2 quiet, 2 chilled. I wanted an omo igboro who liked everything i liked and who would have me writing poetry. If i never took the time to get to know him and more importantly PRAY about him, i would have made one of the biggest mistakes of my life.

Thug Life

ILL: LOL@ Omo Igboro

Inthe: You said you had the butterflies in your last relationship. He ticked all your boxes yet it ended, what happened?

ILL: I just felt like he wasn't as committed as he was initially. It started off really well and I felt he was 'the one'. The feeling was mutual and he was prepared to see my mum and Pastor.. Which he did. It was everything I had prayed for! Then for some reason that I don't still understand, the communication became stilted. He seemed to be withdrawing.And I didn't want to be in that kind of relationship so I broke it off. (In retrospect, I think I should have been a bit more patient)

Inthe: So with all the fireworks, the relationship still ended? Things still cooled even with all the fire that was burning on the mountain?

He loves me....he loves me not!!

Inthe: …Answer me!

ILL: For me it was still the same…

Inthe: …but not for him?

ILL: I don't think so. He’s changed.

Inthe: Babe…. that “feeling” is not enough to keep a bf-gf afloat talk less of a marriage that you plan to be in FOREVER! People who rely on those feelings tend to hit the road the second they no longer feel it because that was the basis of the whole relationship.

ILL: Hmmm…

Inthe: Look at hollywood… when they divorce, what do you hear the most? “I just don’t feel the same way I use to…” over and over again.

ILL: Yeah, that’s true.

Inthe:You think i wake up hotly in love with the hubster every single morning? Come on! absolutely not… but i know i love him more 2day than i did when we first got married.

In Love

Buuuuuuuuuuuuuuut, with that said; there are a whole group of christians who believe they should just marry the first bible carrier they meet… love not included. Haba…enya sha!!! we put God in a box in all we do!How can we believe the God who is love all by himself would force us into forever relationships that don’t include love? Look at the book of solomon… it includes love…feelings…emotions…. and even breasts sef!

ILL; *nodding*...

Our God is a God of romance! but he is a God of reality! God asks for true enduring love, we call for fireworks and butterflies. God’s idea of love had nothing to do with hollywood’s. Even the hollywood we want to copy can’t seem to hold a relationship down itself…*Hiss 9ja style*. God will never EVER push you into a dry marriage, but you need to find out what his definition of love is..not the exploited, puffed up, self indulging, unrealistic, film trick,nonsense this world is selling.

God is Love

She o n gbo mi? She o n feel mi?

ILL: Yes. Mo n feel e gidi gannn.*high5* ( This girl is a trip…

Inthe:You think God feels butterflies about us 24/7?  No, but his love for us is true, deeply rooted and a choice he made eons ago. Nothing can change it! That’s mature love, thats the love you need in a relationship…it is the true definition of the word.

ILL: Yes, that’s true…

Inthe:but all this has nutting to do with your guy friend,… i don’t know him so i can’t say be with him. plus i believe men should always make the first move… he hasn’t made ne moves so..i don’t know

ILL:  I am very grateful for the in-depth truth as I imagined you would dish! Thank you very much much. I will keep you updated on what's happening. It may not even be him but I wanted to be armed with information.I'm very very grateful *more anointing* *kisses*


Inthe: Hahah... You know this is my bread and butter. I love doing this!!!!!

….Musings from atop the potter’s wheel…..


Jennifer Abayowa said...

I love, love, love your responses. I was reading this in my email and laughing all the way through. Thank God for wisdom and the ability to drive ILL toward the right direction. I loved this: . Love is not the gbiti gbati of your heart. It’s actually a bit bigger!

Anonymous said...

I Love your response, gave me some deep truths... I didn't get butterflies in my tummy and even 'rejected' any thoughts abt a r/ship with the person who eventually became my best friend, because he wasn't the picture my mind had painted. Then I fell in love with him, and begged God to take the feeling grew stronger instead. We talked about how I felt, he felt the same way and I have the best relationship even on days when I want to strangle him. He's bornagain and I love it that I can get spiritual without feeling like I'll freak him out. We've talked about getting married, but I'm still trusting God to lead us to the best place for us...
I've come to realize that God doesn't always give us what we want, He gives what we need... And we reject this goodness because it comes branded in a diffent kind of package.

iNyamu(fq) said...

Loved this, spoke a lot of truth to me, and confirmed that I'm going in the right direction.
I've come to realize that God doesn't give us what we want but what we need, we end up rejecting His goodness because it's branded in a package different from the man of our dreams.

She may have to bring that topic up if they're really close friends... He may be interested in her but scared of spoiling things incase she rejects him, and if he's not into her, they'll laugh it off as friends do...!

Gbemisoke said...

Great post!
You nailed it. We stay letting Hollywood/Disney mess with our minds.
This "She is my blood" is the way o. It's what we need.

Okeoghene said...

I was just nodding my head all through the post. The picture Hollywood paints about love is not just that, love is more than that.It isnt just about feelings. The fact that I dont see the sun because it is covered by clouds doesnt mean it is night-time or the sun is not there.

Great post.

1 + The One said...

May God bless InThe...The lives of single ladies you are helping is not small at all..
As always, you responded to the questions excellently and gave sound advice backed up by the word of God..
And I'm liking the 'testimonies' of others too.. I pray that God will help us to renew our minds from our idea of love to understand what the real thing is.. Amen! xxxx

Akibo tommie said...

Love the deep truth here.

In the midst of her said...

JC: Thanks Love!

Anony #1: Thanks for the blog love! I pray he leads you both!

Inyanmu: If I had a dollar for every lady who didn't recognize her Hubby2be, I would be a millionaire! Keep moving in his leading!

Gbemi:Amen and Amen!lol....

Okeoghene:"The fact that I dont see the sun because it is covered by clouds doesnt mean it is night-time or the sun is not there."--That's the gospel right there!!!!

1+: Thanks Love. It's all God, to the very last drop!!!

Tomi: Thank you!!!! Praise God!

Unyime-Ivy King said...

Great advise you gave her there InThe. If one relies on feelings alone as an indicator of love, then the divorce rate would even be more alarming than it is now.

I have been married for 11years, and sometimes I feel the butterflies, sometimes I don't, but there is no other life partner I would have wished for. Even when there's a quarrel, I know that we've got each pother's backs for life. It's not about the feelings-it's the commitment which eventually causes the feelings to come flooding back.
Enlightening post.

Frances Okoro said...

All very true and hit the nail on the head.the last relationship I would have been in if I allowed it was filled with all the works of butterflies in tummy and all that but he wasn't what I knew that God would certify for me.I had to let go sharpaly.the love things isn't all d feelings of earth shattering and all that but more of what u'v pointed out.thank u for this.

E'licious said...

My Inthe'licious of life...
That final hug... Ah that's the kind I usually give (Actually you shouldn't be breathing when i hug you. i think that girl is still breathing) lol. You get my drift sha. that is the kinda hug I will be giving you when we meet. We don tweet yarn this matter already but again, YOU KILLED with this post.
Ah, this hug sha... Gosh, right now I would 'kill' for one like this...
Girlfriends stay rocking jare...
nne, gburu aka biko. I di tooo mush
PS; Why do i feel like i know ILL hehehehe

Gee | EverythingWeddingsAndMore said...

Love the response. Hollywood almost got me confused too! hahah!

Anonymous said...

*wipes sweat*..........all i can say is i thank God for your your depth in issues like this.....

Mz CocoH said...

Phenomenal piece! Ki oloun je ki agbo! You write so well :)


Damilola - From my point of view said...

Dear In The, great post as usual, a real wake - up call to us single ladies. By the way, this one that plenty people didn't recognize their hubby when they saw them, am scared o, I hope it does not mean God won't give me my Tall, dark and handsome

Myne Whitman said...

Lovely post and comments! Love is definitely bigger and stronger than butterflies in the tummy :)

Olakunmi said...

I love this post!
I love that you were so real and you didn't just tell her what to do, you reasoned with her and helped as well! God bless you!..x

Anonymous said...

Honestly, this conversation spoke to me! It's as though you were speaking to me directly because I've been thinking the same "he doesn't give me butterflies" kinda way! God bless you plenty xx

Abi Tobi said...

oh gosh! I love love too! i think u just spoke to me too lol

Yours_Sincerely said...

Omg, this spoke to me directly. You are really blessing the lives of young women. When I need doses of relationship advice, i Just need to look up your blog. God please lemme ,my husby and know he is the one.

Deronk said...

I can totally relate with a lot of what she said. I always believed in the "butterflies, knots in you tummy" ish when you meet the one. And when I met a guy I didn't feel that way with, I automatically boned them. However, I did meet a guy once who I didn't have the butterfly ish for and kept it as friends. Till much later and I did get the butterfly feelings. I once asked my pastor's wife about this butterfly love ish and her reply stunned me. Unfortunately that relationship ended.

Since then I have become a lot careful about this butterfly, I can't sleep till I talk to him "love". Love is much more than that. And "love" isn't all that is needed to keep a relationship not to talk of a marriage. And that has stayed with me. I recently met a guy I had "that feeling" for and common sense told me to keep it as friends. And months on, I am glad I did.

Like Myne said, love is a lot bigger than butterflies in the tummy...