Saturday, November 02, 2013

Inthemidst of His perspective: Keep your emotions in check.

We’ve seen it in movies; the angry woman raising her voice decibels beyond what’s medically sound and the  henpecked guy staring into the wall. After taking as much as he possibly can, he grabs a jacket and walks out the door. You may have seen it in movies, but I’ve actually lived it.  See, I grew up a man eater and from a young age took pride in castrating any guy stupid enough to cross me. Till date, one of my worst regrets is how I treated the hubster during fights early on in our relationship because when we fought, the louder I got, the quieter his voice ( physically and emotionally) became. Things could get really ugly after an incident and even though I was remorseful in the aftermath, it could take days for him to recover from the damage each fight brought. Well, praise God it’s been years now and things have gotten crazily better (Right babe? but this “better” started with God's grace and me accepting correction.

Ladies, I hope you’re ready for some correction tonight…Let’s do this!

Truth: The louder you raise your voice, the less we hear you.
For those who don’t know, I actually poll the legit christian men in my life for these "His perspective” polls so when this issue came up, I knew I had to post it.

Provs 21 vs 19: It is better to live in the wilderness than with an angry woman
Ladies, let’s admit it; most of us have an issue with our tongue. We take pride in saying we would never raise our hands to our men but we fall short when it comes to “raising" our tongues.
sledgehammer to the heart
 When we get into a fight with our men, it becomes a “no holds barred” especially if we feel we’ve been wronged. We let our anger or hurt turn our mouths into weapons we wield against the ones we proclaim to love. Men shouldn’t have to deal with a hostile society  and then come back home World War three. There is nothing more painful or more emasculating to a man than harsh words coming from the ones they love. Why? because you know their nakedness, their personal flaws, things they hide in the closest and in 9 times out of 10, those are the very things we use against them.

Ok wait, I hear you out there. Right now, someone is saying. “That’s not me! I have great control over my anger and would never use it as an excuse to hurt my man.” Ok, fair enough but let me ask you, do you have as much control of your tears as you do over your tongue? While I was polling men, I learned something new; something I hadn’t thought about because I’ve never had this issue. Ladies, guess what? It's not only our  sharp tongues men want us to work with but also our weepy eyes.
Black Tears
You know that girl who cries over everything? Do you remember how you cringe every time  her eyes well up with tears? Well imagine being married to her. Every issue is a fresh opportunity to use your tears as a heavy artillery; an ace up your sleeve with which you manipulate him. When things don’t go your way, you open the tear factory, sobbing hard enough to wake up the neighbors. Some women manipulatively choose inappropriate times (like in the middle of the night) for maximum effect.

Ok Inthe…. so men are saying we are not allowed to be angry, nor are we allowed to cry? What’s next? Not being allowed to pee sitting down??

Wait, wait, sis….No! No one is taking the right of emotional expression from you. I guess what the guys are saying is that we should use this right with wisdom.

Proverbs 31 vs 26: She opens her mouth with wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue.

I’ve mentioned this a million times, there is no greater jazz than the power a woman has over the heart of the man she loves.

Beautiful woman looking at mirror

With love comes intimacy and intimacy brings vulnerability. Vulnerability makes a man more susceptible and influenced by the feelings of his woman. Do you know every word you speak to your man you also speak into him? With every angry word, you chip away at him, creating wounds that are not so easily forgotten. Let’s use this jazz for building rather than destroying. We need to figure out constructive ways to express our emotions; constructive ways that won’t  break our men down or leave an aftermath of destruction.

The wise woman builds her home but with her own hands but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down....

…Musings from atop the potter’s wheel...


Debby Dyk said...

thanks for all these deep teachings
... erm, it makes me want to not get married a times(honestly)...all the hardwork! I just think being on my own and keeping to myself will make things better
but I realize that it's selfishness and God doesn't want me living that way either
I'm grateful that God is and will continue to help me... and to bless you for sharing

Frances Okoro said...

I can definitely relate to mum's flaw is her tongue and a lot of times,d aftermath isn't pretty at all.
I pray God grants us grace to start checking it from right now(the single ones like me so,lol)
And ur writings can only be God speaking in words thru u.may u continue to ba a blessing to lives,thank u.

Uche Okonkwo said...

I can't shout or argue; it takes too much energy. I'm sure there are only a handful of people that have ever heard me raise my voice. What people like me tend to use is The Silent Treatment, and that's destructive in its own right. I'm learning to leave that behind and be more open (especially with the people that are close to me) when there's stuff to air out. Life's too short.

Simply bellz said...

LOL you are right about the tear factory. I get very emotional when I'm in a fight with my bf and I try my best not to cry but I can't help it. Well except when I'm angry but when I feel hurt by his actions, I cry, apologizing sometimes makes it worse smh.
About watching what we say, I pray to God regarding this because my bf is the quiet type and he does not like confrontations but when I am angry my mouth can kill (thank God thats not literally possible).

Salt said...

When I play back my ‘angry’ moments, I am mortified
I know it is not by works but each time I lose my temper I just feel so ‘unworthy’. I really hate that feeling like ‘can I really do this Christian woman thing’.
I know God is not disappointed but it does not stop me from being so. I know self-condemnation does not pay me but I cannot help it sometimes.
I think and try to remember Christ ever losing his temper like that and I know he really never did. And even when he did get mad, it was all about his Father’s house and not about him. You grab?
All my anger is really when I am upset, when someone thing has been done to me, or not done my way…..*sigh*
At the end of the day it all goes back to the title of your blog: Keep your emotions in check!
And only God’s spirit can help with this. Human effort is not sufficient

As always, soothing coming by here...made me think some more...commit some more....ask for God's help some more...

1 + The One said...

God bless you for these wonderfully insightful posts.. I am learning to tame my tongue and now you have opened my eyes to another truth 'emotional blackmail'...
Once, I polled my brothers-in-law and one trait they didn't seem to collectively understand (or like) was the tears thing lol..
Like you said, nothing wrong in being emotionally expressive as long as it doesn't become a tool for manipulation
But InThe, you are stripping us off our 'ammunition'.. no words, no silent treatment and no tears *sigh*.. What's a girl got in her armoury? haha

Anonymous said...

You have spoken well Inthe like i have learned from my previous relationship about this anger thing and hopefully it sticks BUT what i don't understand/i disagree is the crying part, maybe you could explain well? I am sort of a big crier (i cry when someone on a tv shows/movies i like dies). I cry when i am hurt, i don't use it as an advantage or a way to manipulate but rather it is a way i express my emotions. so you mean that is a bad quality?

Abi Tobi said...

" .. in the middle of the night for maximum effect.." hahaha oh boy!

like Uche I can't shout too much either or argue or cry soo much but the silent treatment is crazy! and it's a dangerous weapon

wisdom is key! thanks for sharing this

naijawife said...

hmmm hmmmm hmmm. Much food for thought

Anonymous said...

Help me lord me with this. I am always been a quite person but when l am fighting with my bf it's like we are life long enemies. Gloves off and no hold bars. I really want to change and pray that touches my heart. Thanks for the honest post. Short but it speaks volumes.

Anonymous said...

I am guilty of that. I don't shout but I give the silent treatment when upset and I am a crier.

I cry when upset, my hubby does not like it but then.....

Its something I definitely would keep working on.
Thanks and keep up the good work.
You inspire me.

Dr. N said...

I like the point u made abt speaking into their lives. With our words we r creating monsters by calling men names. To be seriously avoided.