Monday, January 27, 2014

Dear Inthe..How Long is too Long?

Dear Inthe...

My boyfriend and I have been together for near three years now, and have lived together for 2  years and a half. We have a very solid and fulfilling relationship. he supports me, loves me just as I am and is ALWAYS there for me. Im 37 and he's 27. Everything is great except for one issue: marriage. I feel as if I have given everything I can into our relationship, mentally, physically and emotionally; and now I feel as though I need a commitment to go further. He says he is not ready to marry me and he doesn't know when it will be. He said he wants me forever but he doesn't like to get marry.

We live as if we are married so I don’t know how he can’t be ready. He says he doesn’t feel an urgency to get married, but I do.  We’re at a stand-still with this issue and I’m not really sure where to go from here. Im worried about our difference age as well and i think he will might leave me because he has cheated on me before. Please help in this tough decision. Should  I wait until he's ready and get on my knees to pray that God makes him want to get married sooner? Or do I leave this emotional and supporting man???

Hi Mimi!
Thank you so much for writing me and for the patience you’ve had while waiting for me.  I have read your question and re-read it many times and the question that keeps coming to mind is “why?”. You are in a committed relationship with a man; even though he is 10 years your junior, he has been there for you for  three years. Now he’s telling you he’s not ready to marry you. Why? You are giving your all to a man who is not sure if he’ll ever marry you. Why? He wants to be with you forever but not legally before God Why?

Mimi, If I may be blunt.. You are living with a man, performing all the duties of a wife, giving your all emotionally, physically ( I assume) and mentally….you’ve basically taken away any incentive for him to marry you. He’s receiving all the benefits of a wife without the commitment.

You are 37, I assume you have no children yet, this is the time for you to have a serious conversation with him about your future and where this is going. At 27, he has all the time in the world which unfortunately you do not. For your emotional and spiritual well being, you need to have a heart to heart with him to figure out what your next step is.

You are thinking of waiting but how long do you think that may be for? Are you ready to wait for 5 years or even 10?  Before you confront him, ask yourself what are you going to do about it. Dont say you are going to leave if you plan on staying and don’t promise him you’ll stay if you are going to leave.

You are not the first person to be in this situation, I wrote about it here

I know its hard and scary but you deserve so much more...

I wish you the best and you can email me anytime!


Anosime said...

First of all, I don't get the 'I want to have you forever and not marry you' part. If a man wants something he goes all out to get it,keep and get committed to it. One thing about marraige is the commitment. Some men/People are careful of the divorcee situation so they want 'no marriage' but' live like couple situation'. If he is threatened by you leaving him for someone who will commit, he will re-consider. Your time (biological/non-biological) is ticking, his literarily isn't.
Lack of committment is the reason why people just walk away when issues arise.
Pray and wait on God about it too. But open your eyes. Jesus wants the best for you.
Hmmm. Inthe you talk well.

Simply bellz said...

hmmm but why invest your time and other factors into someone that is TEN years younger than you ? that is risky...that guy has a lot of time to decide and I feel he won't marry you..i don't know if age is major factor but you should move on with life and keep God as your major confidant.

Sisi Blu said...

Helpful Article:

sykik said...

This is a scary situation to be in. This is decision making time because life isn't gonna wait for you or him . It's a tough call but it has to be to your boyfriend and no matter how bad, hard or difficult the decisions will be just have to step out in faith....hanging on to old baggage won't get you any where and if he's ready to be committed all the best.

Uche Okonkwo said...

@Sisi Blue: that article is spot on. Along with what InThe has said, I hope she has a good idea what to do now.

Biba said...

Oh my, I just realized my post had so many thanks to over sabi auto correct... *hides face* :)

1 + The One said...

InThe, your response to the question is so wise..
Dear Mimi, it's a very difficult position to be in especially if you love the man and your heart and mind is committed to the relationship.
However, you must ask yourself the questions that InThe has posed.. Are you willing to wait for 5years or more if that's what it takes? Cause from my understanding, there's no given time so it could be a short or long wait.
I think it's also important to recognise and believe that you deserve more than he is willing to offer now. You deserve stability, you deserve security, you deserve a man who loves you enough to want to give it you because he knows that it matters to you a lot.
I pray that God will give you the grace to make the right decision and give you His best! xx

Abi Tobi said...

hmmmm It's really up to you Mimi if you want to wait till he is ready but he might never be: a mature conversation is necessary like InTheMidst stated

naijawife said...

This one was a doozy. You answered well.