Friday, February 28, 2014

Dear Inthe…I don’t understand him.

* Hi guys, sorry for the long hiatus! I can tell you it wasn’t intentional; I’ve been sick for close to two weeks but I’m feeling much better now. I’m grateful for all the emails, DMs and Tweets asking after me. I’m kicking off this week with a "Dear Inthe…” question. Don’t forget to leave your comments and if you have a “Dear Inthe…” question of your own, email me at All Q’s are confidential and if allowed, posted on my blog anonymously.

Dear Inthe...
I quit the (Mega)church where I was going  to seek a smaller more intimate church. I remembered of this old schoolmate, “Jay" that is a born again christian, and called him to let him know that I needed to find a new church, and see if it was ok for him to see me join" his" church. The next sunday, I spent my 1st time there and it has been a really blessing. Here’s my dilemma, I think I am growing in love with him! When we were in uni, I never had a second thought about him., but now, I am forced to recognize that my thoughts are changing about him. I see him every sunday, sometimes, we hang out after church  with other youths, other times we go at the restaurant after church (still with other friends). 

The problem is I feel he is not comfortable around me at all. It’s like he is trying his best to avoid me. In a group, he can "stand" my presence, but if it is just the 2 of us talking, he will try to interrupt the conversation as soon as he can. He is not like that with the other young women of the church.  He can talk with them for hours so naturally. I don't believe in "he avoids you because he loves you”,when a man is really in love or let's just say "interested" at this stage, he can't help but make the proper move at some point. I wonder  why he avoids me like that! If he did not wanted me to join "his" church, he should have let me know when  I asked him. Sometimes, he acts like he doesn't see me, and I need to go out of my way to say "Good morning Jay!"  It is THAT weird! 

Please Inthe, can you help me to see things a litlle bit clearly…?


 Puzzled Princess.

Dear Puzzled Princess,
So Jay welcomed you into his church and now all of a sudden, he’s avoiding you. He can spend hours talking to girls but when it comes to you, he runs. Hmm, there are different reasons why he could be acting this way BUT only one solution. Let’s look at the reasons first…

1)He is confused….
Oh, let me warn you, sisters in Jerusalem:Don’t excite love, don’t stir it up,until the time is ripe—and you’re ready. ( SOS 8 vs 4)

About what?  Truth be told, when true men of God, start noticing they are developing feelings for a woman, they step back. Why? To try and hear the voice of God. They don’t want to prematurely voice their feelings nor awaken yours without knowing for  sure that this is what God wants them to do. My hubby did it, a guy friend i am currently trying to hook up with a  female friend of mine is doing the same thing. They are afraid of saying “ Ohh I like you” then 2 days later realizing they didn’t have God’s permission to do it. He might not want to be distracted by his feelings which you probably provoke when he is around you.

2) He doesn’t like you…or something about you.
Your eyes are too pure to look on evil; you cannot tolerate wrongdoing ( Habakkuk 1 vs 13).

Sis, let me explain by giving you an example. I know a guy who is physically disgusted by women who dress immodestly or wear loud or vulgar makeup/jewelry. You know those girls. Breast out, mini skirts, loud bright make up, vulgar speech. He avoids them like a plague not only because he does not like them, but also because he is protecting his heart and mind. Pls, do not think I am saying you are like that… I am saying there maybe something about you, he can not stand. Maybe you differ on certain aspects, maybe you remind him of someone from his past. You went to the Uni together right? Could there be something stemming from a past situation there? I’m not saying he is going about this the right way, but he might not like an aspect of or about you.

3)He doesn’t just want to be your friend….
The heart is…unsearchable, who can understand it? (Jeremiah 17 vs 9)

Maybe, he just doesn’t want to talk to you. Plain and simple! Maybe its nothing you did or did not do…he just doesn’t want to be your friend.  Humans are weird and sometimes there is not clear explanation to what we do.

So what now????

Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding ( Provs 3 vs 5)

My dear, to all this, there is ONE SOLUTION…..Fall back!

Yes, Fall back, step back, leave it all alone.

My dear, if he likes you and is asking God about you, leave him to his business, let him do what he needs to do to make the right decision. God could say yes, and then he will step up to you or God will say no and that might give him the release to become “normal” with you.

If it turns out that there is something about you he doesn’t like, first evaluate yourself. If you are moving according to the will of God and have no conviction that you are doing something wrong, then keep on with your life. Are you in church for him, are you seeking him or God…leave him alone and focus yourself on God.

If it turns out that he just doesn’t like you or you never find out the reasons for his weird behavior, still let it go for God. You are the apple of your father’s eye. he will never let anything the is yours pass you by. Take these feelings you are developing for Jay and surrender them to God. Pray, tell him to remove any feelings you are not suppose to have, ask him to help you focus on him and him alone and tell him that you trust him. He has not brought you this far to leave you now…..

Musings from atop the potter’s wheel...


@eloxie said...

Thanks Dear 'In The', this was very spot on. I especially like all the angles you addressed. God bless you for this response and give you more wisdom.
If her intention for moving churches was to find God and not cos of him, she should just face God. the seeming rejection could hurt but she will be okay. He may have concerns about that at first and until his doubts resolve, he may be unable to settle down around her, all the other reasons you mentioned considered. Put yourself in his shoes for a minute, she calls and starts to attend his church and now appears to be all around him or appears to want 'more'. It could be a tad overwhelming, like a grandiose plan and especially because He wants to please God, he will prefer to stay aloof. If she steps back and just focuses on Christ, she will find her peace, who knows what could come out of this.

Mee said...

Inthe, God bless you. I especially like the part where you said she should surrender her feelings to God and ask him to remove any of it that's not of him (God). I didn't even know we could ask God to do that :)

And also, how you listed the 3 options and how they all point to focusing on Jesus and trusting me. You don't need to bother about what it really is, no need to become a mind reader, analyst or stress yourself. Just focus on Jesus and trust that he's working it all out for your best :)

Huggsss xx

Anosime said...

Inthe... I think you have spoken well and said it all. One thing I pray for and what my mum prays for is that which is yours should stay, that which isn't yours should go". This philosophy has helped me in life when things don't go the way I plan. Don't force it.
Focus on God in this new church and wait on Him. Good things come to those who wait.

Ifeoluwa Olunu said...

Can I simply say I love this? I enjoyed reading it. In fact, the first day I discovered you on twitter, I immediately sensed that I would enjoy reading whatever you had to say. You leave a warm feeling inside of me. Bless your heart :-)

Anonymous said...

I loved your responses on this - so apt.

What I sense here is that the guy can sense that she likes him and he is not interested and his attitude shows it.

You know how u automatically know when someone likes u even when they don't say a word. And if you're not feeling the person then you most likely will not be comfortable being alone with the person.

girl pls pull back; men are hunters and if he likes you he will pursue you. Men can sometimes be very put off by women who shower them with attention esp when they are not interested in her like that.

1 + The One said...

Welcome back InThe!

Love this post and your answers as you gave from differentt angles is so on point! I found myself reading intently, nodding and taking notes.. Well done xx

Eniola Prentice said...

I was about to ask where you disappeared to. Anyway, I was nodding for most of your advice. To be honest, I think he senses she likes him and is pulling back.
I honestly don't know of many Christian guys that pull back because they are waiting for an okay from God. Its usually the other way around, they find someone that ticks the boxes then they ask God which usually leads to disasters.

I say follow the advice gal, pull back. Hes not God's last born, they are plenty other men in the world and there is one set aside for you for an appointed time.

sykik said...

Wise words, I also picked up some things from your advice. God bless

Trust you are much stronger and better. It is well..God will perfect all that concerns you

Anonymous said...

Thanks for the advice Inthe, i am also dealing with something similar( i didnt move to his church o), we attend same church, he tells a mutual friend he likes me, she introduces us and we start talking as normal friends. He hasnt made his intents known, but i realise i am falling for him( funny cos i never gave him a second thought before we were introduced)cos the checks all the boxes.
He gives mix signals, today he is all over me, next he is aloof, and the cycle continues. Reading this i have decided to step back, and ask the Lord to take away any of the emotion that isnt from him.
Thanks again.