Saturday, May 31, 2014

Dear Inthe...My heart's in Limbo

I’m baaaack! Thank you guys for the love and checking on me while I was out sick. It meant a lot to me. Let’s start this month with a 'Dear Inthe…’ Q shall we?  Have I mentioned how much I love these? Please, keep them coming. Btw, wedding season is upon us already! Where did time go ? I need to get busy with some nice juicy posts for you all. Ok, enough of the yarning…Let’s get down to business.

Dear Inthe,
A little while back, I met a guy while studying abroad. After my course, I decided to not to go back home but to apply for a master's program (that I did not want to do!) in order to be with this guy. I got accepted and we've been living together in Europe for about a year now.  It was difficult and we experienced a lot of fighting, to a point I decided to move back home to America and clear my head. He came to visit me and due to family issues, he agreed that it would be better for me to come back to Europe with him and he would apply for a visa that would allow him to eventually come back to America with me.While he visited me in the US, He told me that he wanted to marry me and have a family with me; I thought that all these things would happen fairly soon so I went back to Europe with him. But when I got back, he seemed shocked to find out that I want to get married and have kids soon and wanted to wait for a while longer.

Due to recent issues, it turns out my visa is not being renewed and he can not leave Europe for at least for a year (which I also didn't know). Now he says he ‘isn't sure if he wants to marry me at all, but knows for sure he wasn't ready at this moment'. He says we aren't ready and I am not stable and he isn't sure he wants to spend his life with someone who is so stressed. I just really feel misled and feel like I am waiting for my life to start with him instead of focusing on myself and what is best for me. I love him and want it to work out with him. But, I can't keep giving up everything for him. And I'm afraid that I am reaching the end.***
What do I do now?
Heart in Limbo
 ***-Edited for privacy and brevity.

Hey Heart In Limbo,
I've read your email a bunch of times and even prayed about it. First of all *Hugs*... My, what a roller coaster you've been on.  Here's a few things I've noticed from your email. 

1-it's ALWAYS been about him.  
You've made huge moves for your bf. From packing your bags and moving internationally to taking on a masters course you had abs no interest in (which is 2 part cuz there is the mental burden of studying and the financial burden of this degree). 

2- He is the core of your decisions. 
You've made huge strides and basically shaped your present and for see able future around this guy but he doesn't seem to have done the same for you. Sure he visited you but long enough to convince you to come back to Europe…and to him. Yes he made an attempt to get a US job but he won't be moving anytime soon; that's if he decides to take the job at all. 

3- I'm not sure he's worth it.

Now wait, in no means am I saying he is a bad guy or creating these waves in your life on purpose but never the less... He is. You broke up with him and he states he wants to marry you... You get back with him and then he decides he is not sure if he'll ever marry you but if he does it won't be anytime soon. He might get the job in the US but what does that really change? What does it matter if he gets his visa in 1 month or 1 year? He could move to the states and still not be sure he wants to marry you. 

4- You need to come first.

Not in his life... But in yours. You have sacrificed a lot for this relationship but at this stage in your life you need to love yourself a bit more. His moods are directing your happiness. He wants to be with you and life is swell and the future looks perfect but then he's not sure and your life is in the dumps. Please know I am not blaming you or looking down on you; these are the things we tend to do when we are in love and have placed our love and hearts In the hands of others... It just happens that you've placed yours in the hands of a person not presently mature enough or even ready for the responsibility of it.  I don't think living worth him or being with him is emotionally or spiritually healthy. The one time he's mentioned definite commitment was when you basically threatened to leave him and he chased you far and long enough to bring you back... Back into the limbo of not knowing where all this is taking you. Now that you're back, he's not sure. You need to leave, the distance will help both of you figure out what you want from the other. Your leaving might help him realize he loves and really wants to be with you. Or on the other hand, it might help him realize he never loved you from the start. Either way, it will give you closure and allow you to take the next step in your life. You are young and in those life defining years. Take advantage of this to the fullest. Your home life is horrible and I'm sorry about that but if it's not a healthy environment, you don't have to go back there. You could go to any place in the world as long as it makes you happy. 

5- it is going to be hard...
If you decide to leave, it's going to be hard. There will be a lot of fears and tears and wondering if you made a mistake. But with each day, you'll be a little stronger and gain the confidence and clarity to live your life and shape your future. 
If you decide to might be exactly in the same spot you're in for eternity. By the time he decides what he wants from you, you might have sacrificed things you may never be able to get back

I wish you God's best. 



Lape Asekun said...

Please live your life. Make decisions for yourself. Give him space. If he really appreciates you he will fight to get you back

Tunrayo said...

"It just happens that you've placed yours in the hands of a person not presently mature enough or even ready for the responsibility of it.  I don't think living with him or being with him is emotionally or spiritually healthy". It's not right to center your life and happiness on someone who has already made it clear he may never marry you. If you remain with him and after some years he doesn't marry you, you will hate yourself for the years you have wasted with him, for seeing the signs and ignoring them, for staying when you could have left. Please leave if he truly loves you he would make definite commitments and sacrifices too. He would be sensitive to your feelings and won't put them on a roller coaster.

naijawife said...

Excellent advice!

Funtó said...

I've seen quite a bit of quotes online about knowing your self worth. Two are:
"Respect yourself enough to walk away from anything that no longer serves you, grows you or makes you happy"
"If they don't chase you when you walk away, keep walking".

Walking away from a relationship - even one that is not bearing fruit and that leaves you confused and strained - isn't easy. But in the future you are more likely to be glad you did.

God will bring you someone who will fully love you and appreciate you. Someone who will treat you like a queen. But for that to happen, you have to let go of anything that isn't that. His best will be so much more!

Tell the World

1 + The One said...

"You come first" - I love this! It's something we need to say over and over again until we believe it. YOU matter.. In life, YOU matter..
This should influence a lot of the decisions we make..
Also, I don't know if the writer is a Christian but, please don't permit anyone to take the place of God in your life. He should be the one at the centre of your plans and decisions, not any one. And if He is, you know you are covered. Somehow, everything else falls into place.

Destiny said...

miss reading your blog, glad to know you are feeling better.

E' said...

Inthe'licious mama...
I'm happy you are back
And you have said it all.
Being in limbo is a bad place to be. I can't imagine what she is going through.
I pray you wisdom to know what to do dear lady and courage/strength to do it, amen