Thursday, March 26, 2015

Dear Inthe...I messed up

Dear Inthe...
Inthe please I need your opinion on this; I love how you relate to your readers and since I discovered this blog I feel like I have an elder sister somewhere.
I cheated on my boyfriend,he's an amazing guy and I feel real bad ,I feel bad for two reasons
1.Am trying to be closer to God and promised to be celibate this year but I failed already
2.My boyfriend is a great person who loves me a lot.

 Shame (300/365)

I have been feeling awful since this happened, I don't deserve him so I want to end the relationship but I don't want to tell him my reason is cos I cheated,
What should I do Inthe?
Thanks in anticipation of your advice and Reply*
*Edited for privacy and clarity

Hey Girlfriend
Thank you so much for writing in. I am honored to know you consider me a sister ( I'll let the elder part Because you consider me a sister, I am going to talk to you as one and  if any of my words seem harsh, I ask you forgiveness. I want you to know this is a judgement FREE zone. Every word i write you is coming from a place of love and as always, I invite God into our conversation.

You said: I cheated on my boyfriend...and I feel real bad

I think the biggest question to ask yourself in this situation is "Why?" At this point, you've done the deed but if you don't understand why you did it, you're setting yourself up to fall again in this relationship (we'll come back to this later) or the next one you have. It might be due to dissatisfaction with your partner, yielding to sexual attraction to someone else etc. it might be difficult but auditing your heart, what your intention and motives were and the dealing with them will help you prevent the same thing happening IF you're serious about preventing it.

Cry on my shoulder
You said: I'm trying to be closer to God and promised to be celibate this year but I failed already

Yes! Indeed you've failed. Just like I've failed in certain areas but thank God for his mercies and second chances. Failing is not a "forever state"; if it was Christ would have never accepted Peter back after he denied him 3 times. Failing is a point you have to move from and this can only be done with a genuine repentance and desire to seek God. He loved you then and still loves you now.

You said:  I have been feeling awful since this happened, I don't deserve him so I want to end the relationship.
This is the tricky part and here I will only give my opinion which may or may not work for you. The idea of you "not deserving " him is actually not yours to make. Only he can tell you if what you've done negates the relationship.
the silence of your presence

 It might sound weird but there are men who will still forgive you for your trespasses and be willing to work it through with you. You being the judge and jury on whether to end this relationship is being further inconsiderate of your guy's feelings because how does he factor into the equation? What say does he have on whether he still wants to be with you? 

You said: ... but I dont want to tell him my reason is cos I cheated
You want to leave him in the dark about why you're breaking his heart? Either of two things are coming into play here. You are either physically afraid of his reaction (is he quick with his temper or physically/mentally/emotionally abusive?) or you're dealing with pride.

 goodbye town

Surprised I mentioned pride? Unless you're physically afraid of him, are you too proud to let him know what you've done? to see that you've failed and might not be as perfect as he's thought? Now if he's someone who'll tell the whole town, spread rumors, drag you by your hair into the street and beat you that's something different but if you're just to ashamed to look him in the eye in the aftermath, it just might be pride. If you love him and would actually like to share your life with him; just as you've knelt down to seek God's forgiveness, you might have to do the same with your boyfriend. Now with all that, you still run the risk of losing him, but at least you've made ammends and just might come to find he still wants you.
Email me anytime! 

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Ifeoma Ekesiobi said...

Nice post. You tackled this question so well, will want to add that she should forgive herself first. The truth is when she forgive herself she will begin to have a right perception of herself and coming open with her boyfriend won't be that difficult. Dear sis, dust yourself pick up from where you have fallen don't remain there just move forward..

In the midst of her said...

Ifeoma: That is the truth. It does start from forgiving yourself. Thanks for reading.

Erniesha Tibs said...

Hello, Just found your blog....I like it here..pretty warm you know...

Tibs Tells Tales

In the midst of her said...

Tibs: Thank you! Welcome, kick off your shoes and get comfy!

CambaBooks said...

Great advice! The 'why' is important. Confronting him with the truth is the hardest part I think but is essential for the relationship to thrive and for her guilt feelings to end. Knowing that she needs to account for her actions is also helpful to prevent such events in the future. My advice....she should avoid situations and environments that can lead to a re-occurrence of this event but she MUST forgive herself. We all make mistakes in different areas and at different phases of our lives.