Friday, March 06, 2015

Dear Inthe...Let's talk about sex

Dear Ma,
I read your blog once in a while, and I must thank God for the things He's been able to accomplish through you. Well done Ma.
I have a question though, somehow I feel I already know the answer but just want clarifications.  Is it wrong to talk about sex with your partner?
 22/365 - phone calls

I'm in a long distant relationship and every now and then "such" feelings come up and over the phone, things happen... He's made his intentions known, though of course I've never been active, but since he came along, we've had some cuddly/playful moments, not the main deal of course... I'm 25 and by God's grace, I'll be settling down this year, I just want to know what you think about playing with my partner over the phone.
(I read that you treat mails confidentially and urgently, I hope you'd do so with mine) God bless you, I anticipate your reply.

Dear Curious

Thank you so much for writing in!! Amen and praise God. I love this ministry and I pray God grants me the right words to speak to you. As always, I invite God into this conversation.

At first I thought you meant talk about sex but after further thought, I realized you meant talk sex. So can a couple in a relationship but not married have sexual conversations i.e. phone sex? Plain and simply put; NO.

I hear you "...but we love each other, are in a relationship and might be getting married this year" but the answer is still NO! You know what, forget what I think, let's go to the source of the truth, the bible.

Amos 3:3: Can two people walk together without agreeing on the direction?
I am a fan of talking about sex in a relationship. You are deciding to go into a relationship that honors God; ignoring or denying the challenges of sexual purity is like adopting a cobra as a pet. It might watch you for 100 days but the day it strikes deadly!  At the start of a relationship, you need to be vocal and more importantly in agreement of your stand.
 Peace & Quiet

Will there be kissing, hugging, where will the line be drawn? Sit, talk, agree! Just assuming your partner knows and agrees with your decision is reckless! By the time you find out you differ on the cores of purity, it will be too late; either you will be walking away with a broken heart or be too weak to fight temptation.

Now lets talk about...Talking sex

1Cor 10:13: No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man..
First of all, you are not the first person dealing with this issue! Sexual attraction to your boyfriend is healthy and I believe necessary in a relationship. I truly believe the church has done us a disservice in regards to sex education. Instead of taking sex education head on and teaching us what we know in order to be prepared, they ignore it as if it doesn't exist, as if we don't have questions. Having sexual feelings are not a sin but what we do with them can become sin.

Matthew 5:28: Everyone who looks at a woman with lust has already committed adultery in his heart
 One thing couples i.e. boyfriend/girlfriend don't realize is  till you climb that altar and stand before God, your partner could still be someone else's spouse.
 I know people who justify fornication/sexual immorality by saying "Shebi we are going to get married eventually?"  Eventually is not today, therefore everything sexual wether be in speech or action is adultery and a sin. To even engage in phone sex or play over the phone, your partner has to visualize you in certain situations which promote lust.

Ephesians 4:29: Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths.
Arousing  another person that is not your husband or wife is a sin. Point blank. I don`t plan on going graphic but we can both agree that during phone sex, the words spoken are intended to ignite that sexual fire between both of you for sexual gratification.

 The results are satisfaction of the flesh and the bible warns us not to make any provision for the flesh to gratify its desires (Rom 13vs14) and that these desires give birth to sinful actions. And when sin is allowed to grow, it gives birth to death.(Jam1:15)

1Cor 10:13: God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.  

Now while I don't support getting married just to have sex or long courtships and engagements. I have encouraged couples who feel they consistently fall into sexual temptation to re-consider the things holding them back from getting married i.e education goals, age etc.
  I Want To break Free
If you already have plans on marrying this year, consider setting staunch limitations in order to  protect each other`s hearts from sin. For example, starting every conversation with prayer, setting curfews for phone conversations and giving each other permission to hang up the phone on the other if  things start getting out of hand.

Remember those who seek God will always find him; it takes more than just self determination to overcome temptation. I pray your victory in this matter in Jesus name.

Fell free to email me anytime!




Anonymous said...

Hi, Inthe... I understand your post was about an unmarried couple, but I still want to ask this... do you think it's a sin when a married couple engage in phone sex?
I am married and once, while continents apart, my spouse and I sent nudes to each other and engaged in phone sex and I didn't feel it was dirty or wrong, even though there was mutual self-pleasure. We are no prudes and are quite adventurous, but that was the only time we've done that.

What do you think about that, though? Was the marriage bed 'defiled'? Did it matter that we were miles apart? While I don't feel we did wrong, I'm still curious to know what you think and if u could add any insight, based on what the word of God says. I am aware that a lot of people believe that when certain sexual acts are between a man and his wife, it is no sin, as long as there is no clear (biblical) depravity involved. Do you know any bible passages that negate that opinion?

I look forward to your response. You do really great work with these questions and I enjoy reading your blog. God bless you!

In the midst of her said...

Hey Anony#1: Girlfriend, I could write a whole post about that Q( maybe I but the short answer is there is absolutely nothing off limits between husband and wife as long as they BOTH agree to the act. I have so much scripture to back this up but I dont want to turn the comment section into a post. Lol... If you want scripture, email me.
Ps..Thanks for writing in!

1 + The One said...

InThe!!! I get excited when I see that you have a new post up!
Great advice and I like how you always balance/rationalise your response to questions.
More grace, thank you for being a teacher! xxxx

Unveilinggold said...

Interesting. Thanks for sharing as always

In the midst of her said...

1+: *Blush*...Thanks sis!

Unveilinggold: Thank you!!!

Anonymous said...

I just looove you InThe you are a wise woman. Thanks for the insight, i've always been against any kind off sexual talk when not married and it wasnt from a scripture standpoint, just me being miss goody goody. I'm happy for this insight from the word.


In the midst of her said...

Lekwe: I so luuuuuuuuuuvvvvvvv you for looooooooving me! Lol. All this "wisdom" is from the Lord and I am appreciative of it.

blogoratti said...

Interesting thoughts...thanks for sharing this post!

Adenike Adedokun said...

Nice response. Great teaching keep it up.

Anonymous said...

Wow, indeed , God Almighty has really blessed you, you a such an intelligent person.
This is an eye opener.I am a culprit of this in my past relationship and I pray to God for forgiveness and my friend too, who was my then boyfriend.

I learned this today and I pray to God to make use of it when the need arises.Thanks a great deal for sharing your knowledge . It will help a great lots of people now and in the future.

God be praised, Amen.