Friday, February 05, 2016

Dear Inthe... Intimacy without sex.

Hi, Inthemidstofher

Happy weekends

I want to say thanks for the advice a while back when I messed up with my boyfriend, am happy to say my boyfriend forgave me and we are working things out right now......i owe that to u....thanks a whole lot. Inthemidstofher I have another issue I will like to hear your opinion about..

So right now am trying to stop having sex,i want to have a better relationship with God. How do I tell my boyfriend we have to stop, our relationship is long distance there's always that urge when we see each other after a long time. How are we supposed to be intimate without sex, am worried we might not have a relationship or it will just be formal and boring without sex
30 Days of Life Support - Love - With Just a Sprinkle of Your Touch, I'm Covered in YOU.
I really dnt know what to do,mere seeing my boyfriend arouses me. When he comes over or I go over does it mean we can't sleep in the same room,does it mean we can't kiss. How is the relationship going to work,we are a long way from marriage can we survive it. Looking forward to your reply
Can I just say I love you.....Yes alot of Homo
What you are doing is amazing
May God continue to bless you

Hey Lovergirl

Thanks for your patience. Let’s get down to business; you had to bring up the hard questions didn’t you *wink*? Well, as always I invite God into our conversation and may his words be spoken.

So how can a relationship survive without sex? Does this kill a relationship and what can we do if we don’t have plans on getting married soon. I answered a similar question here… you can read this before you read my comments below.

You said: I really don’t know what to do, mere seeing my boyfriend arouses me

This is perfect! Actually quite excellent. Why? Because God blessed each and every one of us with this beautiful thing called a sex drive.
 Close-up portrait of a young couple in love
Some people like to say they lack one and if you are attracted to the opposite sex you must be a sinner but in their ignorance they fail to realize that the problem is not the sex drive but what you do with it. Sex like everything else in this world was made to glorify God and the ONLY way sex glorifies God is within the context of marriage.

You said: How are we supposed to be intimate without sex, am worried we might not have a relationship or it will just be formal and boring without sex.

Ah, this is where the hard part comes in….One thing I have learnt is that Intimacy and sex are two different things and comparing the two is like comparing apples to oranges. Yes, they are both fruits but they are NOT the same fruit.
 Apples to Oranges

I know it’s quite difficult for you because your definition of intimacy has been based solely on sex with your boyfriend. You, my friend, are going to have to go back to intimacy school. STOP LAUGHING. I know for a fact that your knowledge of intimacy is based on the physical because without it, you don’t know what to do.
Let me ask you a question. If you were to get married and due to health reasons, you couldn’t have sexual contact with your hubby for a year; what would happen? Would you still be able to have a fulfilling monogamous relationship or would the relationship fall apart? If you said “Stay together” then the same steps you would take to keep your relationship alive is what you will need to apply here.

Here is my post on sex before marriage:

What can you do to foster intimacy without taking your clothes off?

Now let me tell you straight up now that what I’m going to say here will not make any sense initially because you’ve been to the promise land and have experienced it. It’s like me trying to tell you to manage fruit after a year of eating only candy; it’s hard because your senses have been heightened but through God’s grace you can bring these heightened senses under subjection until the right time. The fact that you’ve been intimate doesn’t disqualify you from learning anew, it only makes things a bit harder because you know what it feels like.


You need to learn how to replace physical intimacy with emotional intimacy; I can’t tell you exactly how you are going to do that because I don’t know the private dynamics that control your relationship. You are going to have to prayerfully find ways to keep the romance strong without going physical. Like I said, you can’t “unring the bell” but God can help you make this work. This is what happens when you share your inner thoughts with a person. Getting to see a side of a person NO ONE else sees creates a level of intimacy like no other. Sharing struggles, dreams and aspirations fosters and strengthens your emotional connection thereby strengthening your relationship. Guess what? I wish you a long fulfilling sex life in your future marriage but when uncle is like 100 years old and can’t get up, you will need to have emotional intimacy downpack to keep your relationship moving.

You said: we are a long way from marriage can we survive it? When he comes over or I go over does it mean we can't sleep in the same room, does it mean we can't kiss

I won’t lie to you. I’m not a fan of long drawn out relationships for this purpose exactly. The longer a relationship is, the higher the chances of falling to sexual temptation. I would strongly encourage you to figure out what is preventing you from getting married now. I wrote a post on it. Check it out here.
Day 34- True Love Waits!

Can you sleep in the same bed? Can you kiss? Lol… I would usually say it depends but thinking of your history, it might be hard for you to say no once things start getting heated up. Remember sin is an intimate violation of God’s word, let’s not walk in a way that will bring temptation on.

You said: How do I tell my boyfriend we have to stop?

I don’t know…but you have to. You also have to understand this might be enough reason for the relationship to end. He might not be willing to walk this path with you or he might say he will but end up trying to talk you out of this decision. Either way, you have to ask yourself if you are emotionally and spiritually strong enough to sacrifice this relationship for God; it just might come down to it.
 Love Yourself!
Remember abstaining cannot be done just on physical determination; you need spiritual strength and a firm foundation on what you believe in. if he is not saved, besides the fact that you shouldn’t be in an unevenly yoked relationship, he might not share your beliefs on sex. Either way, you’ll never know unless you talk to him. His decision will tell you of his spiritual maturity and where he is with his personal walk with Jesus Christ.

Remember God won’t give you more than you can bear and his rewards are greater than anyone else can give you. You know where to find me sis… Get back to me ANYTIME!!




Ife.O said...

Hey Inthe..!!!! WELCOME, it's good to have you back. It's been too long :-(

SoldtoChrist said...

Good advice as always Inthe.
Giving up sex especially if you have tasted the forbidden fruit is hard and takes takes inner resolve and spiritual strength. You have to decide what's uppermost. God or your boyfriend?
Your decision becomes much easier then.

Anonymous said...


I love this post because it reminds me so much of me. I've been in relationships where sex was included (I was a born again, tongue speaking Christian mind you). I began to get convicted to quit sinning, but my then boyfriend couldn't understand it. Eventually, we broke up.

I said to myself no more sex before marriage...same thing happened with maybe three other guys. I cried and prayed to God to please help me...I always challenged God asking, "is it possible to meet a man who loves you (God) and inasmuch as he's crazy about me, will not touch me just because of how much he loves you (God)"...long story short, I met this amazing man who told me "babe, I love God too much to hurt Him...we cannot have sex until marriage" Is he fine? Yes! Is he smart? Yes! Is there intimacy? YES!!! without SEX! (we set very firm boundaries as well oh!)

We have an amazing relationship, discuss any and everything...we are best of friends. We made our commitments to God before we even met each other and it makes everything way easier. I can honestly say this is my best relationship ever and it's the first without sex!

In a nutshell, there are MEN who are willing to wait and love you as God intended. Men who will pray with and for you. Nothing and no one should ever take the place of God in our lives.

Be encouraged.

E' said...

OK mama I just may disagree with some points here.
All I got for you is love so I'm speaking in L O V E...
You know how you always say in most letters to you that you would like to give the person counsel like your sister, basicaly meaning you will tell her the hard truth?
I think you are trying soooooo hard to b careful so you didn't quite 'sister her with the hard truth'

Proper inthe... style.

Tough love, yup she may not swallow at the time but ultimately, she wil.

Sister, my prayers are with you. I pray you take the hard way ou and let the relationship slide and pursue God fully. Should He bring ya'll together again, yaaay. If not, God will bring you someone better who will wash you with the water of the word and respect and honor you and your body while encouraging you to do same.

A relationship that is founded on sex has a very very weak foundation.

OK dazall

Lol Inthe no vex for me ooo