Sunday, April 10, 2016

Dear Inthe...Whom do I follow?

Hello Inthemidstofher,

I have been following your blog for a while now, I remember reading your posts right from age 22 till now (currently 26) and admiring how God-centered your advice has always been. I always thought that if I had a relationship dilemma, I would like the input of a Biblical centered sister as yourself to advise. My first relationship was when I was around 19 and with someone I had known since I was 7. I remembered praying and thinking he was the one but finally after a fast one summer, I realized God said No when he broke up with me. I was hurt and felt misled by God, but I now know that he was never the one for me. I met someone, unlike me, he is from a broken family and he is still coming up in his career. Together, we have been praying together in our relationship and we have had ups and downs and I have seen him stick to his words, I have also seen in him a desire to keep growing in his relationship in Christ - while he isn't always in Church, he does believe in Christ and he has encouraged me during down times either emotionally, when I need prayers or just someone to carry my groceries, run errands etc.

 Left-Right

Now comes my dilemma, my mother and father do not want this relationship. My mother has been warning me off it, it has gotten so bad these past couple of days - I am so tired of fighting my parents - mind you, my parents and I NEVER EVER fight (I am a first born and your stereotypical goody-too-shoes child). My mum and I live together, so she has seen him a couple of times. Her reasons are that he is 8 months younger than me, although he is Nigerian, he is from a diff tribe and grew up here (abroad) and raised here by a single mum so she says because of that he could walk away from me anytime and will not understand our culture (we are from different tribes), she says he still has a long way to go and that she doesn't want to see me suffer in life and that this is her motherly instinct (Mind you he is currently applying to go to law school). Additionally, she says she is not comfortable with his family background and that she just doesn't see us together (my parents are always one in accord and both share these sentiments). I have kept trying to convince her that even though yes, I have reservations about his family background as well but that is not something we can reasonably hold against him (he was a child when his parents split up), I have also told her that he has never treated me questionably. You know, because of my parents' doubts, I find myself beginning to have doubts and holding him to microscopic lenses and questioning everything he does - it is crazy because it is not fair to him. I know I am to honor my parents, I also believe that one way God can speak to us is through our families, so I keep wondering if this is a sign of God's disapproval of my relationship*. 
Thanks,
Wondering heart
*Edited for privacy and brevity

Dear Wondering Heart.
Thank you so much for the blog love! Wow, you've been following me for four whole years; I can't believe I've been blogging that long. I give God the glory for this gift because I truly enjoy it.
Let's get down to business....
You said: My first relationship was when I was around 19 and with someone I had known since I was 7. I remembered praying and thinking he was the one but finally after a fast one summer, I realized God said No when he broke up with me. I was hurt and felt misled by God... 

 crying-woman

 Before I get to  the heart of your question, I have to address this. No matter where you go, whether you take my advice or not. Whether you become a married woman or  leave for heaven still single. Please don't ever...ever feel God is capable of misleading you. The bible says "...God is light and in him no darkness at all..." God will NEVER mislead you because just as its impossible for the Devil to bless you; it is absolutely impossible for God to mislead you. You realized after a fast that your ex wasn't for you? Did you fast before the relationship started? I don't want to beat a dead horse because that relationship is now irrelevant but  know if God is big enough to serve, he is big enough to trust.

You said: Now comes my dilemma, my mother and father do not want this relationship. Her reasons are that he is 8 months younger than me, although he is Nigerian, he is from a diff tribe and grew up here (abroad) and raised here by a single mum so she says because of that he could walk away from me anytime and will not understand our culture. Additionally, she says she is not comfortable with his family background and that she just doesn't see us together.
 In your statement, you gave me what your mother thinks, what your father thinks and what you, yourself, think. What I'm yet to hear is what God thinks.  Have you prayed about this relationship. I mean honestly poured out your heart to God to inquire if he is the one or not. That prayer and it's answer will dictate your next step.  If God assures you he is the one, well to be blunt, it really doesn't matter what anyone, parents included says. Now please don't get me wrong, this is the hard part and a part I myself struggle with; but God's truth is God's truth regardless of whether we believe it or not.

Thinking

In a previous post, I wrote about God being  more concerned with one's walk with him than about one's  tribes. Look at the bible, God commanded the Israelites to marry within themselves and not foreigners for only one reason: The foreigners did not know him. If God was against non-israelites just for the sheer fact that they were not born Jews, Ruth and Rahab would not be in the lineage of our Lord Jesus Christ. The second, they accepted him, they became as worthy as the Israelites. Another thing I notice are your parent's reasons are all factors he had absolutely nothing to do with! Just as he couldn't choose when and where he was born, he couldn't influence his tribe or his parents marital status. Are your parents Christian? What do they think of him as a man and his walk?

You said: You know, because of my parents' doubts, I find myself beginning to have doubts and holding him to microscopic lenses and questioning everything he does - it is crazy because it is not fair to him. 

Absolutely not fair to him. Going back and forth opens him up to a lot of criticism; much of which is undeserving. Remember the bible says a man of double mind  and unstable in all they do.

You said: I know I am to honor my parents, I also believe that one way God can speak to us is through our families, so I keep wondering if this is a sign of God's disapproval of my relationship.

 ConFused

 Yes, you are to honor your parents but be obedient to God.  Another hard but true part. I am a fellow Nigerian so I know how close to gospel our parents words are, but as a child of God, my obligation first and foremost is to be obedient to God. If God is saying he is the one, your allegiance lies with God,  regardless of what your parents say. This is why you have to be sure of what God is asking of you and even if God is telling you contrary to your parents, you take every step with respect and honor to them still. if God is against your relationship, he wont need to tell you through your parents; unless he see you are not listening to what he is telling you himself.

 Woman Praying

Sister girl. Marriage is huge! I can tell you it can impact your walk in ways NOTHING else can.  Go back to God, start there and figure out what exactly he is saying about your relationship. This word will direct your steps.

You know where to find me.
Blessings
Inthe...

8 comments:

Sold to Christ said...

I love this.
What does God think is the paramount question she has to ask herself and answer?
Honestly! If God tells me yes about somebody, you can bet I will not listen to what anybody says except God.
Even my pastor or parents. One thing God has taught me is to listen to what he tells me directly, because that is the most reliable communication. I would have made the gravest mistakes of my life if I had listened to some " men of God".

God does not lie. He created us, and he wants us to get the best if we obey him.
Even when I like someone and I pretend not to hear the "No", God repeats it so that he is clear.
I am like whyyyyyyyyyyyyy Lord! Lol. Just kidding.
I don't try to panel beat anything. And i tell everyone firmly, God says No. Finito.
As in he told ME no! And that's what counts. Because it's my marriage.
No body ain't telling me who my husband is except God.
So as I said, the moment God says yes ehn! That's it. No time to doubt or waste. Or second guess.

She didn't mention if she has prayed about it and what God says. If God says yes, things will surprisingly work out, God is not an author of confusion.

In the midst of her said...

@S2C: Gbam! You have said it all! God does not lie. he speaks, the question is are we listening? Thank you so much for your comment.

Ify said...

Words of wisdom right there, Inthe! At the end of the day, it's God's direction or nothing. May she receive strength to follow through on His instructions because it might be a tough decision to make on her own either way.

Anonymous said...

More wisdom from the Holy Spirit Inthe....I read your response for the poster and it seems the answers were for me as I understand and agree with all you stated.More grace and knowledge on your part...God is God always.

Poster, I pray the good Lord ministers to you in no time, being ignorant of what God wants us to do can be really frustrating and tiring but He is God all by Himself and He will continue to be, He never fails or disappoints, keep your faith and your heart to Him alone and you will find peace in your heart, when you find peace, He has spoken.
God bless,a tight hug!

Oluwayemisi

lbmf said...

Inthe, I love your advice on putting God first. God first, and everything else will follow in good time. May the Holy Spirit guide her on the right path. Amen. :)

Anonymous said...

hi Inthe..... Magui all the way in france....First of all i need and want to thank God for your "ministry". i can't even remember how and when i found our blog (mind you i am not even nigerian...lol) but it has really helped me and blessed me...

first of all, i feel the need to address the "broken family" issue... please i think it is not fair to say that someone is from a broken family...i know our "circumstances" can influence the kind of person we become, but are not meant to pay for our parents mistakes.to me saying that someone is from a broken home is the same as calling someone a bastard... so it makes me kind of sad.. and as christians i don't think we should be using this kinf of language.

regarding the writer, i really like the fact that yoy insisted on what God thinks and says to her, not her parents or even herself. she said she is the first born, and till then was more likely to grant all her parents wishes. we know how our parents can be, and to them this relationship may just appear a rebellion, so they may not take her seriously; so this the right time for her to pray and ask for God's guidance. she may be sacred and confused now, because she did not ask to the Father himself, because i believe onc you ask Him, and you get His answer there is a sort peace that just takes over you and you just go Ahead.
i pray she get the answer from Gid , but i also pray she get the boldness to follow it.

please bear with me for all the typos, francophone in the house...lol

Ife.O said...

Dear Inthe...where are you? Lol. It has been a while though. So I thought to check in :-)

ndemi said...

When we put God first we can never go wrong