Sunday, September 17, 2017

My Marriage; Lessons Learnt So Far....

As I draw nearer to my another anniversary of being married to the hubster, I find myself in a very reflective mood.  Time has flown by so quickly and I am amazed at God's goodness in my  life. In the time I've been married, I've seen marriages older and younger than mine crumble. I have seen couples I swore would last forever and a day turn into each other's greatest enemy but in the midst of it all, God has been faithful to his word; that if I trusted him in choosing my spouse, I would never regret it.


...and I haven't.

I know you have heard me say this a few times but love is not enough to keep you married. Yes, its that hot, fast, overwhelmingly beautiful, intoxicating notion that might have brought you before the altar but if you think for a second, it will keep you there, you are far mistaken.  As the hubs and I grow older together, and now live a life full of babies,  PTA meetings, lesson plans, doctor appointments, summer camps and crayons, we've found that we've had to adjust the way we love each other. Once upon a time, we could lounge in bed, spooning the day away but as of lately,  saturday mornings find us on opposite sides of the bed with little ones ones crammed  in between us.
Balancing Act
As a woman, I think the changes were much noticeable with me. The struggle of juggling motherhood, doctorhood, wifeyhood, small business owner-hood in simultaneous perfection leaves me exhausted and I noticed the hubster was suffering for it. I'm a perfectionist and it is one of the best - and worst- things about me. I often find myself struggling to give my best to everything and thus leaving the hubs with absolutely nothing of me.  Tired of it all, I went back to the source.

Habakkuk 2:2: And the Lord answered me, "Write the vision, make it plain..."
I realized that I had to view my marriage as a project, a business of sort; and like every project, we needed a vision and a plan set in order to accomplish the vision.  I couldn't just sit and build all yamayama and hope somehow that the end product would be what I desired. I had to head back to my manipulation days.  Here are some things God has laid on my heart to improve and strengthen my marriage:

1- Intentionality.
I can't emphasize this more. After all this while, I've had to become more intentional with loving the hubs.  I realized that I was becoming lazy with expressing my love and many times, I've left him questioning my heart. Complacency is a killer of intimacy - it will dry you out before you know it. So nowadays, I compliment him on his looks, on the way he helps me.
Dad help me! For example, if the hubs goes grocery shopping for me; my flesh is like " Why thank him? Shebi you will both eat it?"  but the spirit in me, the one who realizes that besides him breaking cultural norms, he is doing me a service, makes  it a point to be intentional with my make a big deal out of it, to let him "hear" my heart instead of me relying on him "knowing it".

2- Make him a big deal.
A lot of times, I come home before he does.  Once I hear the garage door opening, the kids know we all run to the door to greet him.  He loves opening the door to tiny hands and sticky smiles screaming " Daddy!" "Daddy".  It lets him know we are happy to have him home and he is welcome to mentally, emotionally, physically decompress in a safe space.  I love the hubs through my children.
familyThe way I train them to treat him is a reflection of the love I have for him.  I want the kids to see him for the man he is, that mommy loves him and that he is an example of what godly manhood looks like.  Now that we have a daughter ( Oh yeah....SURPRISE LOL) I need my marriage to be a blueprint of what  is possible.  I want her and her dad to be as thick as thieves and the best of friends.

3- Sex.... Sex.... and more sex
A marriage needs sex.... and lots of it.
I've found sex to be not only a way to  feel good but a way to communicate your respect, emotional needs and a source of comfort.  After a long day, sex may be the last thing on my mind but  part of intentionality is  making time for it when it might be inconvenient. So whether is it a late night "drive by" or sending the kids to the gradma's for the weekend, I need to make it happen.

*sigh*... I love me some hubs. I wanna grow old in his arms.

...Musings from atop the potter's wheel.


Ife.O said...

OMG!!! Inthe... you just sneaked back here. Haha, It's good to have you back. You were missed, and I unfortunately couldn't keep up with you on Twitter as well; as I think you blocked me :-( Haha
Can't wait to see more posts from you. In the meantime though, I have been re-reading old posts from you.

In the midst of her said...

Blocked you ke?

Glow Jacobs said...

Happy to have you back and cheers to being Intentional!

Anonymous said...

Hello dearest sis, welcome back its great to have you back and i shall keep my eyes peeled for all your new posts as they are greatly appreciated. congratulations on your baby girl wow i love the way you just added the surprise right there in the midst of the blog. May you be blessed and enjoy your blessings amen. such wonderful tips you offer here which i know most of us can learn from and apply. I also hope that some husbands who get to read this post will also become 'intentional' in how they speak and treat their wives. For example If a women has been home all day looking after children, cooking,cleaning and the husband comes home and instead of just appreciating the women he starts to nag then that is a big passion killer. Words hurt and linger and i believe both husbands and wives should continually speak life over each other and show appreciation. I really really enjoyed this and i shall share with friends. Love Mamablogbygrace

sayedero enytan said...

So cute how you and your kids welcome him after work!
Recently I've been rethinking the whole marriage thing, I 've seen so many marriages end-its so scary - Reading this reminded me that Its something I really want so I won't give up hope :)

Modupe (formerly of Hephzibah Bride) said...

Hey!! So glad to see your link to this post show up in my Facebook feed and sooooo timely too as we celebrate our 10th anniversary on Friday. I feel just the same as you (life has been a challenge and I'm exhausted!) but I need to implement your strategies.

Glad you and yours are all well - keep the posts coming!

In the midst of her said...

Glow: Thank you!

Mamablogbygrace:Amen and right back at you sis. You speak the truth and it is my hope that my posts will be conversation starters between couples.

Sayedero!!! I've missed you girlfriend: Please don't give up hope. Marriage takes work and shouldn't be entered lightly but mehn, with the right person, it is sweet. Hang in there girlfriend and God bless.

Dupsy! Hey Girlfriend! Congratulations!! 10 down and 100 to go. I pray the Lord strengthens and refreshes you. Amen.

Anonymous said...

I have missed your musings;always very insightful.

Mitchell said...

Yayyy Inthe! Great to have you back. Kudos to the hubster for prompting you lol. Congratulations on your baby girl! I also feel that my baby girl, when I have one lol, should be best friends with her daddy too. Great post as usual. Taking notes for the future.

Abisola said...

So happy to read from you. What an amazing surprise.
Boy! Have I missed you?
Thank you Lord for laying it into her heart to start writing.

Anonymous said...

InThe is bad and in her usual way she brought it home!!!

Moyosore Ajeigbe said...

Omg inthe! You have been MISSED. I’ve been stalking the blog for so long and it’s really nice to see this! Congrats on your anniversary!!!
Hope to see more posts from you!

adunola fashogbon said...

Welcome back InThe... really missed hearing from you. Not married yet but definitely keeping all these in my mind. Thanks for always pouring of yourself