Friday, October 25, 2019

Love Does Not Have To Hurt.

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I remember my grandmother once telling me as a teenager  that unless I changed my mentality, I would never find a husband. Shocking words right? But my grandmother meant every word of it. Why? Because I could not "take things like a nigerian woman".  In this podcast episode, I discuss the long-held cultural myth that a woman should know how to "suffer" in relationships while challenging women to see themselves the way God sees them.


Spolier: Ezekiel 16: I wrapped you in fine linen and covered you with silk. And I adorned you with ornaments and put bracelets on your wrists and a chain on your neck. And I put a ring on your nose and earrings in your ears and a beautiful crown on your head.  

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...Godly Love, Godly Marriages and Everything in Between.

21 comments: said...

Without even titling it as such, this is the best post on Feminism that I have. Perhaps, because it came from a spiritual angle. Great!

@eloxie said...

Fantastic!!! What else is there to say??? God bless you dear In The.

Naijawife said...

Lemme tease you small before I get sure he wasn't just saying you're "high maintenance"?

Highly Favored said...

Excellent post. Though I cannot relate to Nigeria's cultural norms or expectations on/for women, your perspective and thoughts on this matter is true. Let all who have ears hear.....

Anonymous said...

I really love this. I'm 23 and still single, I went thru school early and being single years after graduation has been a source of worry especially for my mum. She accuses that the reason I'm still single is cos I won't take any trash. Sometimes I think she's confused cos she says she wants me to have a happy home, and yet, she advices I can settle for what I feel is not good enough for me and backs it up by saying I'll not find a perfect man. I tell her each time, perfect is not what I'm looking for but someone who will love me and understand my dreams. Its sad that most Nigerian men want a woman who'll support their dreams but is not really allowed to have dreams of her own.

More wisdom for u IJN. Thanks again.

1 + The One said...

I agree with fivecoveredcolonnades so much! Inthe, this post is as excellent as you always deliver.. I am spoilt for choice as to which is my favourite part.. I LOVE the scriptures you used to share some of God's thoughts towards us (reading it made me feel so special!!). Interestingly, I recently read that verse in Ezekiel but didn't personalise it! God bless you.
Do you know I used to feel that I had to 'conform' so that I would also be 'marriage-able'.. My views were not seen as 'Nigerian' enough but thank God because wanting the best for yourself is not a 'foreign' idea. #IAmWorthIt
Mwah x 100000!

IntheMidstofher said...

5covered:Feminist? LOL....I think more Humanist. Thanks for your comment, it is so appreciated!

Eloxie: And you too my sis!

Nw: Nope! Not a high maintainance bone in my whole body! lol I can manage and even suffer but God forbid I stay with a guy determined to test this.

Highly favored: ...let them ear!!! Thanks for the blog love!

Anony: You will sleep in the bed you lay. Pls dont let anyone make you settle for less. You are a child of the most high God and sufferhead is not part of your plan for you.

1+: You should feel special because you definitely are! As always, thanks for the blog love!

Unknown said...

This is such a beautiful and well written piece. You are definitely right. If only we women (myself included) can see ourselves through God's eye, we would know that we are such priceless gems.
As Christians and the daughters of the Most High, we need to start believing and living out what the bible says about us. Because that's where we find out true identity, and until we do that we would continue to look and measure ourselves using the shallow lenses and demeaning scales that the society has made us believe is the norm.

Free Website said...

In as much as I'm not a sexisit nor a feminist. I'm totally against abuse of all sort and believe all humans should be treated with dignity. And most times it's up to us to set our own standards and demand that it's met else we succumb and let the world or prevailing societal norms set our standards for us which is totally wrong!

Anonymous said...

I hate all these struggle for identity either, black struggling with their identity, one gender trying to proof or shout how special they are compare to the other. I am a black NIGERIAN man. Lived all my life in NIGEERIA, a born again.There are some cultural issues that I do not agree with.But we all have a place and a role be it in family, relationship, marriage friendship etc.every one of us is special, very special.
Ok I suppose the guys opening line is a funny one. Nobody sets out to SUFFER, but challenges come in relationship. Do you say because you are special and precious according to your bible verse and not play a part during hard times and even DRINK THE GARRI with your husband if need be?. Ladies don't get me wrong. I support woman empowerment and all. But in my world I believe in the empowerment of every gender. we must support everyone to reach their full potential. Just as woman wants Mr. right, men also wants Mrs. right. Naturally a woman wants who will be able to take care of her, a man on the other hand,wants a woman who will support him on the journey to provide this care. On the abuse story. Both gender suffer abuse but based on known statistic we understand that woman suffer abuse more. Believe me men suffer abuse too. And believe me it is not a Nigerian thing.
In all just as any one of you/us who desire to marry, let love be the foundation of our union, not the desire of having children as they are one of the fruit of marriage. Pursue love and happiness, wait if you must,you might have to kiss some more frogy remember there is no Mr or Mrs. right, it is a joint effort.Play your parts. But don't pretend. You won't do anyone any good be pretending to be less than what you are. HE is still on the thrown. Good luck to everyone.

IntheMidstofher said...

Hey Anony 113: You brought up many arguments and I'll try to address them each.

1) I am not a feminist but a humanist. Everybody deserves equal rights and equal opportunities. I am not sure if you've ever been to my blog before today but if you have, you'll realise I write from a christian perspective for a female audience. As every bloger has a niche, most of my posts are from a feminine (not femiminist) perspective. I am also a HUGE supporter of the nigerian male. If you have time, check out my "Inthemidst of his perspective" series.
2) If you read my whole post,in actual totality, you'll see I said I would and could drink garri with my husband if need be. As they say back home I am 100%SURULERE and def not Olorunshogo. I do not think I am too "special" as you say but there is a huge difference btw managing and suffer. Sure I'll manage garri but am I supposed to manage beatings, abuse, and the likes of such? In that case, I am definitely too SPECIAL for such.

3) I am glad that you recognize that abuse is a 2 way street but am even MORE glad you recognize that women get abused universally more than our male counterparts.

4) Yup no one is perfect but in every relationship there are tolerable and intolerable actions. While I may tolerate a man leaving the toilet seat up or burping after a meal, I will NEVER tolerate him putting his hands on me. PERIOD. i dont have to "Kiss some frogs" to realize the basic fact that I deserve more.

As always, thanks for writing! I love hearing from my male readers.

IntheMidstofher said...

Ogonna: Amen! no one knows us better than our creator! Thanks for writing!

Hephzibah Frances said...

Inthe, touched a spot people like to hide yeah? And touched it really well too, thank you for this!
Thin line btw managing and suffering for the wrong things, women have to know how to distinguish them.
And high five on your comment to anon.i learnt a lot there too.

Anonymous said...

I learned in childhood, that u attract what u believe u deserve. Both men and women. Herein lies d danger of teaching women to expect to suffer. We inadvertently attract men who will satisfy our mouth with evil so that our youth is never renewed but old age is accelerated. Dr. N

Uche Okonkwo said...

Spot on, as usual.

Adesola's wife said...

Inthe, this post really just spoke out to me in volumes. Anytime my husband & I have even the slightest disagreement, the first thing he says is for me to get out of his house. He is always very adamant that it is his house and not ours. Each time I will have to call one family member or another and becos of culture they will ask me to beg him. The one time I actually did pack out resulted in a lot of backlash towards me as everyone said I should have called family and spoken out and not just left like that. My husband asks me to shut up when he is talking and eats and leaves the plate for me to clear up etc

I am a graduate with a good paying job but as a woman I feel completely abused and trampled on by my husband. Any attempt to talk about these issues even during moments of peace usually results in more quarrel. I am just fed up. Family and Church will always say to be quiet and submissive and endure. I am truly fed up and tired as to what to do. I'm writing from work and just this morning he told me to pack out after some minor argument. I packed some things and was determined not to return. On remembering what happened the last time this happened, I decided to call my Mum and tell her what was going on so she can be aware (my parents live far away); she asked me to call my Pastor. My Pastor said to return home and call him if my husband indeed chucks me out.

I cannot tell you how fed up I am. I am afraid on one hand that people will say I participated i destroying my home but on the other hand, I am truly struggling to see a happy future with my husband.

Sorry for taking up so much of ur space.

IntheMidstofher said...

Adesola's wife: First of all...*Hugs*. Second, please email me at I would love to talk to you on a more personal and private level. I'll be waiting..

Anonymous said...

Inthe..... I have not read you previous post or visited your blog.Will fine time to. I may not be able to put everything I have to say into perspective. Don't do writing much. Good to know that your post are not from a femiminist perspective.As I sometime get sick about all these issue, blacks trying to proof that we black and proud etc. Just get on with who "we" are.
We can go on all day about managing, suffering, culture, tolerance and intolerance what is acceptable in a relationship and what is not. who should do what etc. My take is that every one of us have a place and a responsibility in finding a good wife or a husband, making a good home. Woman be submissive to your husband, husband love your wife as Christ loved the church. This two "commandments" are very difficult. When does she stop being submissive or when does he stop loving.Just as you find it intolerable for a man or anybody to lift their hand on a woman, (100% in support) Please lets not provoke the man to that level. Believe me it is hard work sometimes.
some behaviour are totally unacceptable. Unfortunately even our churches without exception can do little about it. I cannot put abuse either physical, emotional, financial, down to culture but an individual issue. It is not just Nigerian men as one of the contributor alleged. Some are psychological. A child who grew in an abusive home, have the tendency of abusing the the wife or husband. ( I am passionate about the family unite, good marriages, relationship)I want to see long lasting marriages, not want happens in the west. please forgive me on these guys.
Adesola's wife. You must call her Inthe asap. speak to someone outside your family circle. Retrace your track to as far back as possible. Maybe there is something he is still very upset about and has not forgiven yet. It is important for him to forgive himself at this point not you now. I will keep you in prayer.

Anonymous said...

InThe this post is all shades of lovely. Thanks for reminding us who we are..


Deji Onadeko said...

I LOVED this post,God bless you maam

Anonymous said...

Loved this you too Inthe.